OMG! 😱 Leif Edling, the puppet master 🪖 behind CANDLEMASS, just dropped a bombshell 💣: Messiah Marcolin is back for ONE SHOW ONLY! 🤣 No tours, no recordings, just a fleeting glimpse of the Messiah in Athens at Rock Hard Festival Greece in 2025. 🇬🇷 Is this real life? Or is this just fantasy? 🤔 (Probably just a publicity stunt tbh).
So, basically, Leif is dangling the Messiah carrot 🥕 in front of our faces, only to snatch it away before we can even taste the doom-y goodness. 😈 One show? Seriously? 🙄 What is this, some kind of sick joke? 🤡 I bet the Greek fans are already booking flights and hotels, only to be left with a severe case of blue balls. 😩 Thanks, Leif! 👍
And what about Johan Längqvist, the *current* singer? 🎤 Oh, he’s just “respecting” the Greek fans’ love for Messiah. 😇 Yeah, right. I bet he’s secretly plotting to sabotage the show with a rogue kazoo solo. 🎺 He’s probably seething with jealousy. 😡 “I wish him the best,” he says, with a totally genuine and not-at-all-passive-aggressive tone. 🤥 Sure, Jan.
Let’s be real, CANDLEMASS has had more lineup changes than Spinal Tap has had drummers. 🥁 Messiah’s been in, Messiah’s been out, Robert Lowe tried to fill his shoes (and failed miserably, let’s be honest 🙊), Mats Levén warmed the seat for a bit, and now Johan’s back… until Messiah inevitably leaves again after this one-off gig. 🏃♂️ It’s like a revolving door of doom! 🚪
And don’t even get me started on the “Black Star” EP. 🌟 Another cash grab to celebrate their 40th anniversary? 💰 I’m sure it’ll be full of the same old doom riffs we’ve heard a million times before. 😴 But hey, at least it’ll give us something to complain about on the internet. ⌨️
Oh, and Johan’s got a solo project called “JOHAN LANGQUIST THE CASTLE.” 🏰 Sounds…thrilling. 😴 I’m sure it’ll be a huge success, selling at least three copies. 💿💿💿 Maybe he can invite Messiah to guest star on a kazoo solo. 🎺
So, to recap: CANDLEMASS is teasing us with a Messiah reunion that’s shorter than my attention span. ⏳ Johan is pretending to be happy about it. 😄 Leif is laughing all the way to the bank. 🏦 And the fans are left wondering if they should even bother. 🤔
But hey, at least we have something to talk about. 🗣️ And that’s what really matters, right? 😉 Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go listen to “Epicus Doomicus Metallicus” and pretend that the last 38 years never happened. 🎧
P.S. – Anyone else think Messiah looks like a grumpy Santa Claus? 🎅 Just me? Okay. 🤷♀️
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
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