Ah yes, WARKINGS. Those titans of… uh… Western European metal?🤔 I guess that’s a thing now. Anyway, they’ve apparently put a “lot of effort” into crafting their own “imagined legacy.” Which, let’s be honest, is what every band does, except usually they don’t dress like they raided a Halloween store after a Renaissance fair. The Viking, The Spartan, The Crusader, and The Tribune – because subtlety is for losers, right? They “demand to stand apart” by being more over-the-top. Groundbreaking. 🙄 The only problem? Their music didn’t quite reach the heights of their… *ahem*… “fantastic bombast.” Translation: all style, no actual substance. 🤣
01. To Lindisfarne
02. Armageddon
03. Genghis Khan (feat. ORDEN OGAN)
04. Kingdom Come
05. Morgana’s Incantation
06. Circle of Witches
07. Kings of Ragnarök
08. Call to Arms
09. Troops of Immortality
10. Nightfall
11. Hangmen’s Night (feat. DOMINUS)
12. Varangoi
13. Here Comes the Rain
14. Stahl auf Stahl (feat. SUBWAY TO SALLY)
So, their debut, “Reborn”, was “solid but unspectacular.” Ouch. “Revenge” and “Revolution” had “great moments,” but apparently not enough to stop people from thinking WARKINGS were just a bunch of cosplayers who accidentally stumbled into a recording studio. 🤭 But hold on! A plot twist! In 2022, Secil “Morgana Le Fey” Sen joined the party! And suddenly, BAM! Color! Character! Songwriting quality! It only took them four albums to figure out that maybe, just maybe, a female vocalist might be a good idea. 🤷♀️
Now, three years later, we have “Armageddon.” Apparently, they’re still “surfing on momentum.” I guess that means they haven’t fallen off the inflatable shark yet. 🦈 The album is “seething with confidence and energy.” Or maybe it’s just indigestion from all the mead they’re probably chugging. From the “anticipatory ambience” of the intro (which is probably just a guy clearing his throat) to the “uproarious collaboration” with SUBWAY TO SALLY (because who doesn’t love a good German folk metal crossover?), they’re bringing the “rowdy shebang” to a close. 🥳 And hey, there might not be much difference between these songs and their earlier stuff, but now they’re “heavier and more intense!” Two vocalists! A “dirty, pugnacious guitar tone!” It’s like they finally discovered distortion pedals. 🤘
The anthems like “Genghis Khan” (featuring ORDEN OGAN – because one power metal band isn’t enough, apparently), “Kings of Ragnarök”, and “Troops of Immortality”, they “skillfully skirt around any notion of generic power metal.” Which is a fancy way of saying they’re still generic power metal, but they’re trying really, really hard not to be. They’re “leaning into something earthier and more epic.” So, more dirt and slightly longer songs? Got it. 👍 Then there’s the “specter of classic doom” looming over the slower, heavier tracks. Doom metal? On a WARKINGS album? Now I’ve seen everything. 👻 And of course, there’s a “surfeit of deft, theatrical augmentation” and an “avalanche of multi-layered vocals.” Because subtlety is still for losers. 🙄
But wait, there’s more! The “furious, speed metal assault” of “Circle of Witches” is both a “raising of the ante in terms of heaviness” and a “glorious showcase” for Sen‘s voice. Because apparently, she can scream really loud. 🎤 And The Tribune is “wringing every last drop of downcast drama” from the ballad “Here Comes the Rain.” So, basically, he’s crying into his beer. 😢
In conclusion, “Armageddon” is “almost certainly a song or two too long.” You don’t say? And it “might have been even more impactful in a leaner state.” So, shorter and better? Revolutionary concept! But hey, it’s “WARKINGS‘ strongest album to date!” Which, let’s be honest, isn’t saying much. But it’s a “very fine way to confirm that their music is now as explosive and resonant as originally intended.” A battle clearly won! 🎉 Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find a helmet and a plastic sword.
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
