THE HEAVENS—Warning His subjects that they should not mess with His carefully laid plans by playing hero, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly informed humanity Monday that choking people were meant to die. “I created all things—do you really think I would fuck up and make human throats clog on accident? This is divine design,” said He Who Commanded Light to Shine Out of Darkness, revealing that “busybody asshole” Henry Heimlich, who died in 2016, was burning in hell for all eternity. “Look at how horrible choking is. Could I have made it any more clear that people are supposed to suffer? When it comes to money and love and politics, it’s all, ‘Do not doubt God’s plan,’ but then suddenly you’re rushing over to a toddler who swallowed a button. Who’s the almighty being here? Did you design a perfectly balanced and intricate universe that goes on for billions of light years? I didn’t think so. I actually have to kill other people just to balance the scale when you mess up this shit. That last earthquake in Myanmar was all just people who were supposed to choke to death in other places. So just step back and give choking people space to undergo the divine process through which I claim their soul.” The Lord Almighty added that His plan was also in effect anytime someone was on fire or being devoured by a wild animal.
The post God Informs Humanity Choking People Meant To Die appeared first on The Onion.
THE HEAVENS—Warning His subjects that they should not mess with His carefully laid plans by playing hero, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly informed humanity Monday that choking people were meant to die. “I created all things—do you really think I would fuck up and make human throats clog on accident? This is divine
The post God Informs Humanity Choking People Meant To Die appeared first on The Onion. Read More
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
