SILVER SPRING, MD—Stressing its commitment to ending foodborne outbreaks as efficiently as possible, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a new crop of lettuce Thursday that can be remotely detonated in the event of a recall. “Our state-of-the-art exploding romaine lettuce heads will combust at the first sign of contamination,” said FDA Commissioner Martin Makary, adding that the ensuing fiery blaze would quickly exterminate all nearby bacterial pathogens, including E. coli, Listeria monocytogenes, and Salmonella. “We will be able to detonate lettuce anywhere—from the supermarket to delivery trucks to customers’ fridges. Americans can rest easy knowing that no lettuce-borne microbial contaminant will be allowed to escape. For safety, we have programmed the lettuce to emit a three-second warning beep so that consumers can take cover prior to detonation.” At press time, numerous lettuce consumers had reportedly heard an unsettling beep coming from inside their stomachs.
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SILVER SPRING, MD—Stressing its commitment to ending foodborne outbreaks as efficiently as possible, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a new crop of lettuce Thursday that can be remotely detonated in the event of a recall. “Our state-of-the-art exploding romaine lettuce heads will combust at the first sign of contamination,” said FDA Commissioner Martin
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Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
