MILWAUKEE—Climbing down from the stands with mustard and ketchup packets clutched in their fists, dozens of rabid, salivating Milwaukee Brewers fans reportedly chased down the contestants in the traditional Johnsonville Sausage Race midway through Tuesday’s game. “They took after those sausages like a pack of wolves,” said Brewers outfielder Brandon Lockridge, recalling the unmistakable look of fear in the eyes of the last-place bratwurst as ravenous fans huffed closely behind shouting, “Get the brat!” and “Slow down, you mouthwatering fuck!” “I’ve never seen big dudes like that run so fast. You could tell they were really hungry.” Sources confirmed the mob came within feet of tackling the Polish sausage before they collapsed in exhaustion and spent the remaining innings dry-heaving behind home plate.
The post Salivating Brewers Fans Chase Down Mascots In Sausage Race appeared first on The Onion.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
⚖️ ENTER THE LEGALIZER
Think the government has no idea what it's doing? Put your case before the Federal Case Terminal and find out.
