WASHINGTON—Despite protestations from the White House that the propulsion system was fully safe to operate, the Secret Service on Friday strenuously urged President Donald Trump not to use the jet pack gifted to him by Qatar. “While we certainly understand the appeal of this device, it would be challenging to provide effective security for the president were he to launch into the air at 100 miles per hour on a flight path he had no hope of controlling,” said Secret Service head Sean Curran, adding that Trump might not get off the ground to begin with if his legs were incinerated by the jet pack’s thrusters.” Even if he were to successfully launch and somehow stabilize himself midair, and even if the jet pack didn’t explode as the result of a cooling system malfunction, there’s no way he’d be able to fly 3,000 miles for his upcoming state visit to Ireland, as he currently intends to do. He’d run out of fuel just a few miles offshore, forcing us to retrieve him before he sunk to the bottom of the ocean under the weight of his backpack tanks. Fortunately, we’re confident he appreciates the risks and will act accordingly.” At press time, reports confirmed the White House was on fire after Trump ignored repeated pleas not to operate the jet pack indoors.
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Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
