WASHINGTON—Stipulating that the South Caucasus nation should be nothing but ash by the time it’s all over, the will of recently deceased Sen. Lindsey Graham orders his estate to start a war with Azerbaijan, sources confirmed Monday. “The entirety of the document consists of very specific battle plans for the scorched-earth military conquest of Azerbaijan and a clear directive that all persons named in the will immediately begin deploying troops to carry out these objectives,” said a person close to Graham’s family who spoke on the condition of anonymity about the two-pronged offensive the late lawmaker had meticulously diagrammed for a land invasion from neighboring Armenia and a naval bombardment from the Caspian Sea. “He died unmarried and with no heirs, but has dictated that his accumulated wealth be put toward the rapid manufacture of munitions to be used in the all-out assault. He did leave certain details of the campaign to his beneficiaries, with the caveat that all tactics employed ultimately contribute to wiping Azerbaijan off the map as quickly as possible.” The source added, however, that if Azerbaijan proves too difficult to obliterate, Graham’s will authorizes launching a war against Uzbekistan as a backup plan.
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Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
