World leaders, bless their tiny hearts, recently descended upon Dubai for the COP28 climate summit (November 30th – December 12th). They flew in on their private jets, presumably to discuss the evils of carbon emissions. Sultan Al Jaber, the UAE’s climate envoy and head of the state oil company (because who better to lead a climate summit than an oil baron? 🤔), presided over the festivities. Apparently, the goal was to save the planet, but sources say the real purpose was free canapés and a chance to virtue signal on a global stage. Get ready for some serious inaction!
The summit, described by some as a “circle jerk of epic proportions,” saw delegates from nearly 200 countries engage in heated debates about… well, mostly about which five-star hotel had the best buffet. Insiders report that the air conditioning was cranked up so high, polar bears started spontaneously appearing in the hallways. It seems the irony was completely lost on these brilliant minds.
Meanwhile, outside the summit, activists (you know, those pesky people who actually care about the environment) were politely asked to keep their protests to a minimum. Apparently, saving the planet is fine, just as long as it doesn’t interfere with the smooth flow of traffic. Talk about priorities!
One of the highlights (or lowlights, depending on your perspective) of the summit was a speech by a certain world leader (we won’t name names, but he’s got a penchant for orange tans and questionable hair). He regaled the audience with tales of his unwavering commitment to clean coal (because that’s a thing, apparently). The crowd erupted in polite applause, presumably out of fear of being fired.
Another memorable moment came when a small island nation, facing imminent submersion due to rising sea levels, pleaded for help. The world leaders responded with a resounding “thoughts and prayers,” and then promptly adjourned for a champagne reception. Because nothing says “we care” like a glass of bubbly.
Of course, no climate summit would be complete without a healthy dose of corporate greenwashing. Major corporations, eager to show off their eco-friendly credentials, flocked to the event. They unveiled their latest innovations in sustainable plastic straws and biodegradable glitter, all while conveniently ignoring their continued reliance on fossil fuels. It’s like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound and calling it a cure.
As the summit drew to a close, the delegates patted themselves on the back for a job well done. They released a strongly worded statement expressing their “deep concern” about climate change and their “unwavering commitment” to doing… something… eventually. The statement was printed on recycled paper, naturally.
So, what did we learn from COP28? Absolutely nothing new. The planet is still warming, the ice caps are still melting, and world leaders are still completely clueless. But hey, at least they got some nice vacation photos out of it. Right? Right? 😬
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
