Trump Announces HUGE Blowout Sale On Stocks
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite the gloomy outlook reported in the media by countless economists and market experts, President Donald Trump…
Day: April 8, 2025
Here Are The Products Most Affected By Tariffs In Each Country
Trump has imposed tariffs on nearly every country on earth, leading to economic uncertainty and market panic. To ease the…
Mega Millions Raises Price Of Tickets To $5
Read MoreThe OnionMega Millions players will get slightly better odds and should start seeing more billion-dollar jackpots, but at a…
Dire Wolves Extinct Again After New Dr. Fauci Experiments
DALLAS, TX — Though the week began with exciting news of a scientific breakthrough in reviving a long-gone species of…
Analysts Clarify That Trump Is Only Responsible For The Stock Market When It Goes Down
U.S. — With investors pleasantly surprised that a crash has thus far been avoided and the market had rebounded in…
Report: Recession Fears Forcing More Americans To Hold Off On Retiring From Presidency
Read MoreThe OnionThe post Report: Recession Fears Forcing More Americans To Hold Off On Retiring From Presidency appeared first on…
Man Imposes Tariffs As Wife Racks Up Huge Trade Deficit At Target
PHOENIX, AZ — In a move intended to fix what experts cited as a years-long imbalance, a local man announced…
🎉 Elton John and Madonna: How a Breast Became the Cause of a Decade-Long Rivalry! 🕺
In the world of pop music, an incredible event has taken place — Madonna and Elton John have finally reconciled…
Man Who Bumped Tesla While Parallel Parking Sentenced To Death
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Warning that even the slightest dent, knick, or scratch would henceforth be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the…
Florida Gators Climb Ladder With Scissors To Circumcise Dick Vitale
Read MoreThe OnionSAN ANTONIO—Capping off their rousing victory in the finals with a beloved NCAA basketball tradition, the Florida Gators…