The apocalypse has finally arrived, and it’s about time! I mean, who needs functioning societies and abundant resources when you can have a world filled with chaos, destruction, and post-apocalyptic movies? 🌪️🎥 It’s like the ultimate plot twist – instead of the world ending with a whimper, it ends with a bang… of clichés and tropes. 💥
So, let’s talk about The Dog Stars, the latest addition to the post-apocalyptic genre. Because, you know, the world really needed another one of those. 🙄 Set in Denver, Colorado, in 2035 (because, why not?), the film follows Hig (Jacob Elordi), a former mechanic living his best life on an abandoned airfield with his dog Jasper and ex-Marine Bangley (Josh Brolin). Yeah, because that’s exactly what I’d do in a post-apocalyptic world – hang out with a bunch of dudes and fly small planes. 🛩️ Sounds like a real blast… of boredom.
But wait, it gets better! Hig’s all sad because his pregnant wife died from a mysterious virus (yawn), and he’s just trying to find meaning in this desolate world. 😔 Oh, and there’s a transmission coming from somewhere, and he’s all like, “I must investigate!” 🚀 Spoiler alert: it doesn’t go well. 🤦♂️
Now, Ridley Scott is a great director and all, but it seems like he’s just phoning it in with The Dog Stars. The first half of the film is all scenic and pretty, with smooth shots and whatnot. But then, it’s like he gets bored and decides to introduce all the post-apocalyptic tropes at once. 🎉 It’s like a checklist: anxiety, rage, poor choices, murderous intent… you name it! 🤪 And don’t even get me started on the characters – they’re all just a bunch of cardboard cutouts with anger issues. 🤦♂️
Elordi’s performance is… interesting. 🤔 He’s all moody and broody, but it’s hard to take him seriously when he’s just wandering around with a military rifle, looking like a hot mess. 🤣 And Brolin’s just having fun, because why not? It’s not like the film’s going to win any awards or anything. 🎉
So, if you’re looking for a movie that’s just a bunch of nonsense, then The Dog Stars is the film for you! 🎉 It’s like a trainwreck that you can’t look away from – it’s messy, it’s chaotic, and it’s just plain fun. 🤪 Just don’t expect too much in terms of originality or depth, because, let’s be real, this film’s got all the subtlety of a sledgehammer. 🛠️
In conclusion, The Dog Stars is a movie that’s all about the apocalypse, but not really. 🌪️👀 It’s like a parody of post-apocalyptic films, but without the self-awareness. 🤦♂️ So, go ahead and watch it, but only if you’re looking for a good laugh or a cure for insomnia. 😴👍 And who knows, maybe Ridley Scott’s next film will be about the C-beams glittering near the Tannhäuser gate. 🚀👽 That would be a movie worth watching… or not. 🤔
Oh, and The Dog Stars hits cinemas on 26th August, because who needs a good release date when you can have a bunch of explosions and chaos? 🎥👀 Just don’t forget to bring your popcorn… and a pillow. 🍿😴
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
