Cannes Jury Sneaks Off To Watch ‘Mortal Kombat II’
CANNES, FRANCE—Glancing over their shoulders to make sure no one was watching them leave, the Cannes Film Festival jury…
Category: The Onion
Sweaty Ass Print On Rowing Machine Already Fading Like All Of Our Earthly Works
FORT WAYNE, IN—In a potent reminder of the inescapably transitory nature of all that is or ever will be,…
BTS Fans Warned Flash Photography Will Trigger J-Hope’s Assassination Protocol
STANFORD, CA—Issuing a stern reminder to all concert attendees, event security staff warned BTS fans Tuesday evening that flash…
Dad Rocks Back And Forth To Gain Enough Momentum To Sit Up From Chair
HENDERSON, NV—In an effort to rise to his feet from the seated position, local dad Robert Palacios was reportedly…
Trump Requests $1.2 Trillion To Have
WASHINGTON—Declaring the financial allocation a matter of utmost urgency, President Donald Trump on Monday requested $1.2 trillion to have.…
Even Shaq Surprised To Learn He’s The New Spokesman For DivaCup
HEATH, TX—Admitting that he had no memory of agreeing to the endorsement deal, NBA Hall of Famer Shaquille O’Neal…
Financial Experts Recommend Putting Tax Return Toward Dream Sandwich
NEW YORK—Urging Americans to think long-term when considering any financial decisions, experts from Wells Fargo recommended Monday that taxpayers…
Commencement Speaker Addresses Impenetrable Cloud Of Vape Smoke
The post Commencement Speaker Addresses Impenetrable Cloud Of Vape Smoke appeared first on The Onion. The post Commencement Speaker…
Study: Most Men Believe They Could Seduce Bear If Life Depended On It
DENVER—In an expression of overwhelming confidence in their innate animal magnetism, the majority of men who participated is a…
Study Finds Neanderthals Performed Dentistry
A 59,000-year-old neanderthal tooth unearthed from a cave in modern-day Russia revealed the earliest known evidence of dentistry, with…