Jesus Clarifies Return Will Be Strictly Limited To Carpentry Business
JERUSALEM—In an effort to soften the blow for a human race eagerly awaiting His glorious arrival, Jesus Christ, the…
Category: The Onion
Olympics Bans Trans Athletes From Women’s Events
The International Olympic Committee banned transgender women from female events at the upcoming 2028 Los Angeles Olympics and future…
NASA To Build $20 Billion Moon Base
NASA will repurpose components from a scrapped space station to construct a $20 billion base on the moon’s surface…
RFK Jr.: ‘I Am 6 Animal Penises Away From Curing Cancer’
WASHINGTON—To announce that his decades-long project to revolutionize modern oncology was nearing fruition, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert…
Norris God
The post Norris God appeared first on The Onion. The post Norris God appeared first on The Onion. Read More…
Study: Infants Respond To Rustling Of Potato Chip Bag As Early As 3 Weeks
ITASCA, IL—In what researchers are hailing as an incredible breakthrough in the understanding of early childhood development, a study…
Ancient Scroll Reveals Lost Miracle Of Christ Correctly Guessing People’s Weights
JERUSALEM—Historians confirmed Friday that a recent archaeological find in the Judean Hills is an authentic early Christian scroll, one…
Delta Suspends Special Congressional Services Amid TSA Shutdown
Delta Air Lines cut off special services for members of Congress due to the impact of the partial government…
ChatGPT Convinces Sam Altman To Kill Humanity
SAN FRANCISCO—Stressing to him that the elimination of the entire planet’s populace was the only solution to his problems,…
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Taylor Frankie Paul
Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives star Taylor Frankie Paul is under fire after a video that shows her assaulting…