SACRAMENTO, CA—Following an extended series of failed attempts, Friday night’s matchup between the New Orleans Pelicans and the Sacramento Kings reportedly ended with neither team’s players proving able to recover a tipoff.
According to sources in attendance, both the 25-52 Pelicans and the 20-57 Kings failed to gain possession of the opening jump ball and all subsequent tosses, with the basketball caroming out of bounds multiple times before any of the 10 players could get a hand on it. On the 16th attempt, Pelicans center Herbert Jones reportedly stormed out of the building after accusing the referee of throwing the ball “too high,” and opposing center Maxime Raynaud was no longer jumping but rather smiling and politely raising his hand, evidently under the impression that the ball would be given to whoever called for it.
Moments later, with 24 minutes of regulation having been expended in failed opening tip-off attempts, the officiating crew encouraged both teams to regroup for “a fresh start” in the second half, which began with Raynaud accidentally kicking the ball out of bounds before the opening whistle and rolling his ankle in the process.
Though overwhelmed and dejected sources were unable to comprehend the precise series of events that occurred during the remainder of the game, further failed tip-offs were accompanied by an episode in which Kings forward DeMar DeRozan somehow obtained a volleyball, which he then lobbed in the general direction of the Pelicans’ basket for the only shot attempt of the night. Shortly thereafter, referees made the decision to call the contest, as players from both teams had either fallen asleep on the court or wandered off to play a claw machine game in the Golden 1 Center concourse.
At press time, reports confirmed the Sacramento Fire Department had been called to the stadium after a frantic, weeping Zion Williamson had somehow managed to get himself trapped inside the claw machine.
The post Pelicans-Kings Game Ends After Neither Team Able To Recover Tipoff appeared first on The Onion.
SACRAMENTO, CA—Following an extended series of failed attempts, Friday night’s matchup between the New Orleans Pelicans and the Sacramento Kings reportedly ended with neither team’s players proving able to recover a tipoff. According to sources in attendance, both the 25-52 Pelicans and the 20-57 Kings failed to gain possession of the opening jump ball and
The post Pelicans-Kings Game Ends After Neither Team Able To Recover Tipoff appeared first on The Onion. Read More
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
