Just when you thought Hollywood couldn’t get any weirder, it dives headfirst into a tub of pure insanity — and then tries to sell you the water. This week, two titans of totally unnecessary celebrity product launches broke the internet. First, alleged actress Sydney Sweeney partnered with natural men’s body care brand Dr. Squatch to release a limited-edition soap called Bathwater Bliss by Sydney — made from the actual water she bathes in. Yup, 100% authentic Eau de Sweeney. Only 5,000 bars were made, and each one costs $8. Collectible filth never smelled so… lucrative.
Not to be outdone, 81-year-old action legend Danny Trejo announced his own natural product line: fireproof, industrial-strength toilet paper — specifically engineered for those who dare to consume his legendarily spicy Trejo’s Tacos. Because when your intestines are doing the Macarena, only Danny’s TP can save your burning soul.
🚿 Sydney Sweeney’s Soapy Scam: For Fans Who Want to Be Really Close
Sydney Sweeney is known for two things: starring in steamy TV scenes and looking confused in bathrooms. So it’s only logical that her next career move involves monetizing her moistness. According to Dr. Squatch, the idea behind the product was to “let fans feel a deeper, more intimate connection with Sydney.” Translation: cash in on the unwashed fantasies of incels and OnlyFans addicts with parental issues.
Sydney Sweeney Is Selling Soap Made from Her Own Bathwater — Fans Are Losing It
Each soap bar comes in a custom box featuring a semi-nude Sweeney and the tagline: “For those who really love me.” Warning label included: “Do not ingest, no matter how tempted.” That’s already more emotional depth than half her acting roles.
Redditors are raving, eBay scalpers are listing the soap for $100, and somewhere a 42-year-old crypto bro just whispered, “It smells like destiny.” Welcome to late-stage capitalism, where your parasocial thirst now comes pre-packaged and lavender-scented.
💩 Trejo’s Nuclear Wipe: The Only TP That Can Handle His Tacos
Meanwhile, while Sydney’s audience is rubbing themselves raw with celebrity suds, Danny Trejo is launching Trejo’s TP Inferno — the toilet paper equivalent of a hazmat suit. Designed for people who eat burritos spicier than your ex’s Instagram comments, this ultra-durable TP doesn’t burn, tear, or judge your life choices.
The slogan says it all: “Survive the Taco. Defend the Exit.” Trejo claims the paper is made with recycled VHS tapes, tactical grit, and the soul of a Luchador. Vegan activists are already crying foul (and possibly from the hot sauce), feminists called it “toxic masculinity in roll form,” and a TikTok influencer tried wiping with kombucha-soaked kale as a protest. He has not been heard from since.
🌪️ Hygiene Products Are the New Celebrity NFTs, Apparently
Trejo’s toilet paper and Sweeney’s soap are flying off the shelves faster than common sense. A YouTuber even attempted a “challenge”: eat five Trejo’s tacos and wipe using regular Charmin. The video ended with sirens, flames, and a blurry caption that read “mistakes were made.”
2025 is officially unhinged. Celebs are no longer selling products — they’re selling their fluids and consequences. Rumors suggest other influencers are joining the chaos: Cardi B’s armpit deodorant, Billie Eilish’s bottled tears, and Justin Bieber’s toothpaste made from childhood trauma. All organic, all traumatizing, all probably coming to a Walmart near you.
When the world starts to smell like BS, it’s only fair we arm ourselves with celebrity soap and post-apocalyptic toilet paper. Just in case. Front and back.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
