Once upon a time, in the faraway land of Hollywood, James Gunn’s “Superman” was supposed to be a fun, adventurous superhero movie. But alas, this is 2025, and fun is offensive. Welcome to the new “Superman” — now a two-hour emotional therapy session between Clark Kent and his Labrador. 🐶 Critics are calling it “Hachiko with abs”, and honestly, that’s an insult to Hachiko.
In a shocking twist that no one asked for (except maybe your emotionally unavailable ex), Warner Bros. butchered Gunn’s original cut, slicing the runtime from 140 minutes down to 122, and with it, chopped out 25+ minutes of actual humor. Why? Because apparently, jokes might alienate people who still laugh at “The View.” 🤡 Instead, we got new reshoots packed with tearjerking moments about loyalty, love, and leash laws.
Warner Bros. Afraid of Jokes, Makes Superman a Crybaby
🐶 From Saving the World to Walking the Dog: Superman’s New Mission
If you came to see Superman punch things — bad news. If you came to watch a man in spandex cry over a dead dog — congrats, you’re the new target audience. Warner Bros. has successfully turned Superman into a tragic dog dad, complete with misty-eyed flashbacks, inspirational slow-mo walks in cornfields, and lines like:
“You weren’t just a pet… you were my only real friend.”
Oscar bait? More like Petco ad campaign. 😭
Instead of flying over Metropolis or saving the planet, Superman now spends his time reflecting on his dog’s soulful barks and cooking organic meals for a ghost pup named Krypto. Somewhere, Batman is sobbing — from laughter.
🎬 Warner Bros. Says “No” to Comedy and “Yes” to Sad Boy Cinema
Insiders say Warner Bros. freaked out over early test screenings, where viewers reportedly chuckled at edgy jokes and gasp had fun. So they did what any billion-dollar corporation would do: gut the jokes, kill the fun, and replace it with emotional fluff you could air on Hallmark Channel without editing.
Let’s break down the social group reactions (because trolling is caring):
— Comedy fans? Depressed.
— Feminists? Furious that the dog has a male voice.
— Animal rights activists? Delighted — the dog gets more screen time than Lois Lane.
— Comic book nerds? In a coma.
— TikTokers? Demanding the title be changed to “SuperDog: A Tail of Justice.”
— Critics with liberal arts degrees? Calling it a “nuanced metaphor for loneliness.”
🐾 James, Seriously — Is This a Superhero Movie or a Hallmark Pilot?
The final cut of “Superman” now feels like an audition tape for a reality show called “My Dog Is My Sidekick”. Yes, there’s still action — but now it’s just connective tissue between long, reflective monologues and scenes of Superman rubbing a collar and whispering “I miss you, buddy.”
Word on the street is, the deleted jokes were actually hilarious, but deemed “too edgy” for mass audiences. One scene with Batman and a cat was reportedly cut because it “offended viewers who identify as felines.” Because yes, 2025 is a year where someone out there thinks they’re a cat, and Warner Bros. listens to them. 🐱🏍
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
