According to a fresh Bloomberg report, Microsoft is preparing another round of massive layoffs in the Xbox division, despite the fact that there are barely 10 people left in the entire department. Among the remaining staff are a janitor named Boris and a coffee machine technician called Armando — and Microsoft executives are still confident there’s fat to trim.
This marks the fourth wave of layoffs in Microsoft’s gaming department in the past 18 months, but this time, they’ve taken things to the next level: laying off negative employees. Internal logic says, “If we fire 100 people when only 10 exist, we actually save the cost of 110 salaries. Efficiency level: god-tier.” Microsoft is reportedly calling this new model “Schrödinger’s Staff™ 2.0”, and insiders claim it’s being tested next in HR and Legal.
🎮 From Halo to Holo: Xbox Now Operates on Vibes and Caffeine
Once the crown jewel of Microsoft’s entertainment empire — the birthplace of Halo, Forza, and Gears of War — Xbox has officially been reduced to a Slack channel and a burned-out Keurig. Sources say that among the handful of remaining employees, three are pretending to maintain Game Pass using Excel sheets from 2009, one guy is remote-working from inside Fortnite, and another thinks he’s still part of Activision.
Xbox’s new internal slogan?
“Less is More. None is Best.”
The remaining team has also proposed a new branding strategy: XBOЖ — Xbox Optimization for Жombies. They even pitched a new game: Microsoft Downsizer: Battle Royale Edition, where the last employee standing gets to keep the water cooler.
💸 Bonuses for Everyone! (Except the Employees)
Despite the layoffs — or maybe because of them — Microsoft execs are reportedly receiving generous bonuses for “streamlining operations.” One PowerPoint slide allegedly shown at an internal meeting was titled:
“How to Fire Yourself and Still Get Paid”
Another slide explained how to use ChatGPT to generate fake productivity reports for a department that no longer exists. Meanwhile, the remaining staff are expected to juggle 148 job roles each while being paid in Starbucks gift cards and exposure.
HR chief Caroline “No-Empathy” Robbins was quoted as saying:
“We’ve optimized Xbox to the molecular level. It’s now 0.0001% of the company, and 95% of our Q2 narrative.”
🤡 Fallout in the Gaming Community: Memes, Mayhem, and Meltdowns
Xbox fans are understandably in shock, but the twist? All remaining staff are secretly PlayStation fans. One is even a Nintendo influencer with 200K followers, currently livestreaming his tears on TikTok over the last Mountain Dew in the Xbox fridge.
Social media exploded with memes:
- “They fired the bugs too”
- “Xbox is now just a font on the website”
- “Buying an Xbox today counts as a charitable donation”
Meanwhile, Game Pass subscribers are reportedly being redirected to a YouTube playlist of lo-fi elevator music. The Xbox Live servers now run entirely on one guy’s hotspot and the soul of a laid-off intern.
One desperate fan wrote:
“Please just give us one developer and access to the coffee machine. We’ll build the next indie classic with PowerPoint animations and trauma.”
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
