WASHINGTON—Praising the process as yet another miracle of biology that modern medicine chooses to ignore, a gray-lipped Robert F. Kennedy Jr. spoke at a press conference Wednesday during which he touted the body’s natural ability to transmute lead into gold. “The human body is able to do some incredible things if you consume enough lead,” said the secretary of health and human services, noting that even a few drops of colloidal lead every morning could have an effect similar to that produced by the elixirs ancient Egyptians drank for rejuvenation. “Once inside you, lead undergoes a natural transformation, creating one of the most valuable medicines in the world. I figure at this point my body is at least 50% gold. I’m more energetic, and gold never corrodes, so you can basically live forever.” Kennedy concluded his remarks by swallowing a lead pipe whole and then regurgitating a single gold nugget.
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WASHINGTON—Praising the process as yet another miracle of biology that modern medicine chooses to ignore, a gray-lipped Robert F. Kennedy Jr. spoke at a press conference Wednesday during which he touted the body’s natural ability to transmute lead into gold. “The human body is able to do some incredible things if you consume enough lead,”
The post Gray-Lipped RFK Jr. Touts Body’s Natural Ability To Transmute Lead Into Gold appeared first on The Onion. The OnionRead More
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
