LAST CHANCE TO SPEND $100 FOR THE *PRIVILEGE* OF GIVING US CASH TO RUN IN THE COLD 🏃♂️❄️
Dec. 1–13: Buy $100 of overpriced gear 🛍️💸 for a *shot* at 1 of 10 daily race slots (cash only, because 2025 is the Middle Ages).
📍 **Daimler HQ, Swan Island**—where trucks dream of runners freezing in festive agony 🚛🎄.
🍪 **Cookie stations** (because carbs fix everything).
🎤 **Carolers** (to drown out your wheezing).
🍺 **Migration Brewing** (liquid courage for the “van-life” Yeti medal).
4,800 spots. 0 logic. **Register now**—or cry watching others eat cookies in costumes. 😭🍪👻
[OFFICIAL RACE WEBSITE HERE](https://foottraffic.us/races/holiday-half/) (aka the fine print you’ll ignore).
Chuck B. Ballsy, affectionately known in the satirical world as “The Sultan of Snark,” is a self-proclaimed sports expert who peaked athletically in middle school dodgeball.
Born in Halfcourt, Indiana, Chuck spent his formative years shouting unsolicited advice at professional athletes on TV, firmly believing that his couchside coaching was the key to their success.
Chuck B. Ballsy: because in the game of sports and sarcasm, he’s always the MVP. 🏀🎤
⚖️ ENTER THE LEGALIZER
Think the government has no idea what it's doing? Put your case before the Federal Case Terminal and find out.
