Nation’s Simple-Minded Bumpkins Announce They Don’t Mean No Harm To Nobody

JT

      

PEACH CREEK, KY—Taking an opportunity to firmly reiterate their stance that it weren’t their intention, America’s simple-minded bumpkins issued a joint statement Monday confirming they don’t mean no harm to nobody. “We don’t wish no ill ’pon nobody, no sir,” said bumpkin spokesperson Billy Lee “Bubba” Toddums, his beefy hands limp in the pockets of his denim overalls as he rocked on his heels, chewed a stalk of wheat, and outlined his community’s continued mission to keep mindin’ their own dern business. “We’re simple people just tryin’ to make our way in the world. Whatever goings-on occur with them other folks is between them ’n’ God. We ain’t tryin’ to make a fuss ’bout nothin’ .” At press time, Toddums amended the statement to include a public appeal for assistance in removing the pig-slop buckets that had just become stuck on their heads.

The post Nation’s Simple-Minded Bumpkins Announce They Don’t Mean No Harm To Nobody appeared first on The Onion.

   PEACH CREEK, KY—Taking an opportunity to firmly reiterate their stance that it weren’t their intention, America’s simple-minded bumpkins issued a joint statement Monday confirming they don’t mean no harm to nobody. “We don’t wish no ill ’pon nobody, no sir,” said bumpkin spokesperson Billy Lee “Bubba” Toddums, his beefy hands limp in the pockets of
The post Nation’s Simple-Minded Bumpkins Announce They Don’t Mean No Harm To Nobody appeared first on The Onion. Read More

Finn

Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.

Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.

Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.

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