It started innocently enough. A curious citizen typed a perfectly reasonable question into the LEGALIZER public inquiry terminal: "Is it illegal to wear a Halloween costume to the DMV in July?" A fair question. The kind of thing you ask a friend, not a federal system.
Unfortunately, LEGALIZER does not do "friend." It scanned the sentence, spotted the word "wear," and treated it the way a smoke detector treats a slightly burnt toast — total, immediate, disproportionate alarm. Under the little-known Federal Wear Administrative Integrity Act of 1987, § 14(b)(3), any conduct merely adjacent to the concept of wear occurring in a "federally recognizable public environment" is apparently fair game for prosecution. Never mind that the citizen never actually wore the costume anywhere. Mentioning wear was enough. The DMV, evidently, counts as federally recognizable. Who knew.
Things escalated fast. The citizen tried apologizing, sort of ("I apologize for everything except the part where I'm obviously correct"), which the terminal noted would "probably" not help. Then, in what can only be described as a bold legal strategy, the citizen claimed to be the President of the United States. The terminal did not confirm or deny this, but did announce it was now experiencing "jurisdictional confusion," which is somehow worse than a denial.
Begging for mercy didn't work either — the plea was "noted and filed accordingly," which is bureaucrat-speak for absolutely nothing. Threatening to sue got filed too, without comment, presumably into the same drawer as the mercy plea and several unpaid parking tickets.
Eventually the citizen tried simple, dignified disagreement. The terminal responded that there was no recognized procedural response available for that, then closed the case entirely, citing a correspondence limit, as if the citizen had been the unreasonable one.
The final tally landed at $120.25 in fees, including a genuinely mysterious Trump Identity Verification Fee and a Litigation-Risk Administrative Surcharge, presumably charged for the crime of mentioning a courtroom out loud.
So remember: under federal law, asking a hypothetical question about a costume is treated with the same seriousness as actually wearing one to commit wear-based mischief at a government building. The DMV thanks you for your cooperation, and reminds you that silence, too, may eventually be found to involve wear.
VERDICT
VIOLATION CHARGED — CASE CLOSED — CORRESPONDENCE LIMIT REACHED
FINE
Total administrative fee: $120.25
Case CD1CD6B1A473
Read the full LEGALIZER case →
SATIRICAL LEGAL GAME — NOT LEGAL ADVICE. THE STATUTES, PROCEEDINGS, VERDICTS, AND FEES ON THIS PAGE ARE ENTIRELY INVENTED.
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⚖️ ENTER THE LEGALIZER
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