LOS ANGELES—Regaining consciousness just as a masked captor slapped him across the face with the script, actor Jason Momoa reportedly woke up Tuesday tied to a chair in an empty warehouse facing the screenplay for a Candy Crush Saga movie. “You are Mr. Toffee now,” said a low, menacing voice that came from behind a blaring spotlight as a frightened Momoa stammered that he did not have enough time to star in another video game adaptation with the press cycle for Street Fighter coming up. “We can do this the easy way, or the hard way. All you have to do is put on this hat and monocle, and read the part where you say ‘I sell the best sweets in all of Candy Town.’ Remember, we know where your children are. You wouldn’t want us to have to repeat what we did for A Minecraft Movie, would you?” At press time, Momoa had escaped the warehouse only to be immediately abducted by producers for a Subway Surfers adaptation.
The post Jason Momoa Wakes Up Tied To Chair In Empty Warehouse With ‘Candy Crush Saga’ Movie Script appeared first on The Onion.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
