So, CRYPTOPSY, those lovable grandpas of guttural growls, are dropping their *ninth* studio album, “An Insatiable Violence,” on June 20 via Season Of Mist. 🙄 I bet it’s just as “groundbreaking” as their last eight. The “NSFW” (read: probably just kinda gross) video for “Malicious Needs” is apparently so edgy it couldn’t handle YouTube. Censored? More like carefully curated for maximum clickbait. They claim it “uncovers evil obsessions beneath digital fantasies.” I’m guessing it involves cats doing questionable things with cucumbers. 🥒🐈⬛
Apparently, being “revered in extreme metal circles” (aka, a handful of dudes in basement listening rooms) for “classics” like “Blasphemy Made Flesh” (1994 – were people even alive then?) and “None So Vile” (1996 – seriously, dinosaurs roamed the earth longer ago) isn’t enough. CRYPTOPSY needs to “find another gear” (aka, crank the blast beats up to 11… again) on “An Insatiable Violence.” They’re solidifying their place in the “upper echelon of death metal,” which I assume is right next to the dumpster behind the venue.🗑️
Coming out of the pandemic, they’re now dedicated to staying on top of their game (translation: trying to stay relevant) by churning out a new record every two years. This started with 2023’s “acclaimed” (by whom? Their moms?) “As Gomorrah Burns” and continues 21 months later with… you guessed it, more noise!🔊
“We had to write the majority of ‘An Insatiable Violence’ while on the DEATH TO ALL tour, which was something we’d never done before,” whines vocalist Matt McGachy. Oh no! You had to *work* while on tour? The horror! Flo [Mounier, drums] and Chris [Donaldson, guitar] “really put their hats on.” I bet those hats were extra-special noise-canceling models.🎧
Flo Mounier chimes in: “Ever since COVID, our focus is clearer, a lot of work gets done faster, and we push each other to get it done.” Translation: We’re all terrified of getting old and irrelevant, so we’re panic-producing albums like our lives depend on it.👴
The PR spiel continues: “In addition to featuring some of the fastest passages CRYPTOPSY has ever recorded…” Oh, so *more* blast beats? Groundbreaking! “…keen listeners will even hear the odd gravity blast from Mounier…” An *odd* gravity blast? Is that like a unicorn sighting? 🦄 “…the controlled chaos of their signature sound is offset by well-timed passages that ease off the gas pedal enough to allow listeners to come up for some air.” So, they’re throwing us a bone? Thanks for not giving us tinnitus immediately, guys.🙏
Matt McGachy, the poet laureate of gore, says, “It’s a continuation of ‘As Gomorrah Burns’. We really wanted to make a groovy record, and we think we’ve done it.” Groovy? CRYPTOPSY? I’m picturing them doing the Macarena. 💃
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
