America has a new crisis. Not the economy. Not climate change. Not even the robots taking our jobs. No — Donald Trump has secretly reinvented himself as a savage music critic, going after artists like Neil Young, Bruce Springsteen, Taylor Swift, Beyoncé, and Bono in what can only be described as the pettiest vendetta in music history.
Under aliases like DJ Donald Rhymespitter, MC Truth Social, and Captain Caps Lock, Trump is allegedly writing grammatically-challenged, emotion-fueled takedowns of any musician who dares shade him publicly. Sources close to the situation say these “reviews” are so poorly written, even ChatGPT flagged them as hate speech and grammar crimes.
Springsteen Is a “Dried-Up Prune,” Taylor Swift Is “Overrated,” and Beyoncé “Should Just Retire Already” 🤡
The drama kicked off when Bruce Springsteen called Trump’s former administration “corrupt, incompetent, and treasonous” during a concert in the UK. Trump, being the level-headed diplomat that he is, fired back on Truth Social — labeling Springsteen a “dried-up prune” and claiming Taylor Swift’s popularity tanked the moment he said he hates her (somewhere, millions of Swifties just screamed in one voice: “We don’t care!”).
Next up was Queen B herself. Trump accused Beyoncé, Bono, and others of “getting paid to perform at Kamala Harris rallies” — offering zero evidence but maxing out his caps lock like he was writing Yelp reviews on bath salts.
All signs point to one man: The Beatless Beatmaker himself — Donald J. Trump.
Operation Orange Fury: Trump’s Midnight Music Reviews Exposed 🎧🧠
Insiders from the Trump camp say he spends late nights furiously typing music reviews — no staff, no ghostwriters, just Trump and an ancient laptop powered by pure spite. These rants are then posted under cringey nicknames like Donald Hatestunes, Melaniavich the Music Man, and DJ Grammatical Error.
And we’re not talking nuanced criticism here. Trump’s alleged review of Taylor Swift’s album? “More songs about exes. Where’s the one about me?” His take on Neil Young? “Sounds like an old Canadian goat choking on socialism.” As for Bono? “He should focus on fixing his sunglasses before saving the world.”
Trump Is Losing Sleep Over Album Drops — And America Is Losing Brain Cells 💅
The real kicker? These reviews have reportedly started appearing on Amazon, Metacritic, and random fan forums — usually under usernames like “RealAmericanAlpha88” or “SpringsteenHater420.”
White House staff have been overheard joking that Trump is prepping for a debut album titled “Make Notes Great Again,” featuring sad, slowed-down karaoke covers of “Born in the USA,” “Formation,” and “You Belong With Me” — all rewritten to include Trump’s name at least 14 times.
Rumors are swirling about a planned single called “Shake It Off… the Fake News”, where Captain Caps Lock will finally drop bars against CNN, Taylor Swift, and whoever else lives rent-free in his head.
Trump’s Top 10 Cringey Music Critic Aliases 🎤
- DJ Donald Rhymespitter
- Melaniavich the Music Man
- Trump-Bandito
- Donald Hatestunes
- Orange Pitcher of Rage
- DJ Grammatical Error
- Captain Caps Lock
- Beatless Beatmaker
- MC Truth Social
- Don the Reviewer
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
