Category: The Onion

       Olive Garden announced the return of the Never-Ending Pasta Pass, giving pass holders 13 weeks of unlimited pasta for…

       PITTSBURGH—Attempting to soften the blow with a promise to go out for ice cream later, local parents Dylan and…

       DAYTON, OH—Jeering that the other man’s chiseled physique would offer little aid in their upcoming confrontation, local intellectual Kenneth…

       LONDON—Responding to concerns about the lack of diversity in his upcoming project, The Lord Of The Rings: The Hunt For…

       WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that the danger would be difficult to manage and impossible to eliminate altogether, the Supreme Court’s female justices nevertheless…

       ATLANTA—Claiming they had definitively identified the source of the ongoing surge in foodborne illness, Centers for Disease Control officials…

       Cases of cyclosporiasis, a parasitic infection that can cause “explosive diarrhea,” have been reported in at least 34 states.…

       LOS ANGELES—Bunching together with nervous energy and dolled up in matching gear, a group of riot police crouched excitedly…

       Secretary of State Marco Rubio announced a U.S. diplomatic campaign to dismantle the International Criminal Court “brick by brick,”…

       PARIS—In an effort to blend in with other tourists and avoid negative repercussions for being American, former U.S. President…