Taylor Swift Urges Travis Kelce To Whittle Down Trampolines On Registry To One
LEAWOOD, KS—Remarking that it seemed “a tad excessive” to own more than a dozen of the recreational bouncing devices,…
Category: The Onion
McDonald’s Worker Suffers Severe Burns After Being Attacked With Hot Oil
A McDonald’s employee in California suffered severe burns across his face and body after a coworker tossed hot oil…
Hims Introduces New Line Of Folders To Hold In Front Of Embarrassing Boners
SAN FRANCISCO—Expanding their offerings of erectile health products, male-focused wellness brand Hims announced a new line of folders Wednesday…
Idris Elba Says Some Audiences Won’t Accept Black James Bond
Actor Idris Elba dismissed longstanding rumors that he would be the next James Bond, calling the speculation “unrealistic” and…
Trump Still Sleeping In MSG Seat
The post Trump Still Sleeping In MSG Seat appeared first on The Onion. The post Trump Still Sleeping In…
I Work Very Hard, And I Would Like To Try Cake
Hello. I am a horse. I work very hard at my job of being a horse. When humans say…
Doctors Warn Air Fryers Not A Substitute For Human Companionship
BALTIMORE—Responding to widespread proliferation of the technology in Americans’ daily lives, doctors at Johns Hopkins University warned Thursday that…
Trump Angrily Demands Jalen Brunson Put On Suit
NEW YORK—Growing increasingly indignant with each passing possession, President Donald Trump reportedly spent the first quarter of Monday’s Game…
Kylie Jenner Told Nachos Were Sent By Fat Joe
The post Kylie Jenner Told Nachos Were Sent By Fat Joe appeared first on The Onion. The post Kylie…
NYPD Attempts To Deter Terrorists At NBA Finals By Doubling Assassination Fees
The post NYPD Attempts To Deter Terrorists At NBA Finals By Doubling Assassination Fees appeared first on The Onion.…