OMG! 🙄 It’s New Music Friday, AGAIN?! Like, who even listens to music anymore when you can just endlessly scroll through TikTok and watch cats do stupid things? 😹 But fine, if you REALLY insist on torturing your ears, here’s what the “music industry” is desperately trying to shove down our throats this week. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
So, apparently, some “legends” are crawling out of their crypts (aka retirement homes) for a tour called “The Queens! 4 Legends. 1 Stage.” 👵👵👵👵 I’m talking Chaka Khan, Patti LaBelle, Gladys Knight, and Stephanie Mills. I bet their backstage rider includes prune juice, Werther’s Originals, and a team of chiropractors. 🧓 Seriously, though, who booked this? My grandma’s bingo night has more appeal. And eleven cities? NINE additional performances? Someone needs to tell them less is more, especially when “more” involves geriatric divas. 😴
And get this, the *Academy of Country Music Awards* happened. 🎉 Apparently, Lainey Wilson won something, again. Who is Lainey Wilson, you ask? Exactly. 🤷♀️ Reba McEntire hosted, probably because Dolly Parton was busy counting her money.💰 Sixteen performances? I bet they all sounded exactly the same. YEEHAW to generic country anthems about trucks, beer, and losing your dog! 🤠🐕🍺
Oh, and because nothing screams patriotism like corporate synergy, the *American Music Awards* are teaming up with the Easy Day Foundation to “honor” U.S. troops and veterans. 🇺🇸 Because nothing says “thank you for your service” like a bunch of overpaid pop stars lip-syncing for three minutes. They’ll probably raise funds for “a variety of national and local organizations,” which probably means the CEO’s yacht fund. 🛥️
But wait, there’s more! The *BET Awards* are celebrating the 25th anniversary of *106 & Park*. 📺 Remember that show? No? Me neither. Apparently, all the old hosts are reuniting for a “nostalgic celebration.” 🙄 Bow Wow is involved, which is all you really need to know. They’re also having a “BET Experience (BETX) Fan Fest,” which I assume is a place where you can pay exorbitant prices for lukewarm beverages and overpriced merchandise. 🥤👕
Nominations for the *BET Awards* are out, and Kendrick Lamar is leading with 10. Because apparently rapping about… whatever it is he raps about… is still a thing. 🎤 Doechii, Drake, Future, and Glorilla all have six, which means the Illuminati must be working overtime. 👁️ Kevin Hart is hosting, so prepare for a night of short jokes and awkward celebrity interactions. 🤡
In other news, the Country Music Association is honoring 30 “extraordinary educators” with the CMA Foundation Music Teachers of Excellence award. 🎶 They each get $5,000, which is probably less than what Blake Shelton spends on hair gel in a week. But hey, at least they get “special access to CMA Fest and the CMA Awards,” so they can watch all the real musicians lip-sync from the nosebleed seats. 🎟️
Hilary Duff and some other rich people threw a “Mother’s Day Celebration” for families affected by the Los Angeles wildfires. 🔥 They “distributed basic essentials,” which probably means they handed out organic baby food and designer diapers while posing for Instagram photos. 📸 Because nothing says “compassion” like performative philanthropy.
And finally, Blake Shelton released a new album called *For Recreational Use Only*. 🎣 I’m sure it’s full of the same generic country-pop garbage he’s been churning out for the past decade. He even has a duet with Gwen Stefani, because apparently we haven’t suffered enough. 😭 He said it was “four years in the making,” which probably means he spent three years trying to figure out how to rhyme “beer” with “gear.” 🍺⚙️
But wait, there’s MORE “new music”! 🎶 Prepare to be underwhelmed by:
- _For Recreational Use Only_ – Blake Shelton** (See above. You’ve been warned.)
- “More to Lose” – Miley Cyrus** (Probably another song about being edgy and rebellious, even though she’s a millionaire.)
- _Full Circle_ – 98 Degrees** (Who asked for this? Seriously, WHO?)
- “MY CONFESSION” – Keke Palmer** (I’m sure it’s very heartfelt and meaningful
Chuck B. Ballsy, affectionately known in the satirical world as “The Sultan of Snark,” is a self-proclaimed sports expert who peaked athletically in middle school dodgeball.
Born in Halfcourt, Indiana, Chuck spent his formative years shouting unsolicited advice at professional athletes on TV, firmly believing that his couchside coaching was the key to their success.
Chuck B. Ballsy: because in the game of sports and sarcasm, he’s always the MVP. 🏀🎤
