If you thought your life was just an endless loop of monotony, Hideo Kojima has decided to stretch that loop into a 75-year marathon with the release of Death Stranding 2. Yep, according to Eurogamer’s preview, completing this open-world masterpiece could take nearly a century, with 30 hours of gameplay covering a measly 0.1% of the story.
We’re talking about the longest game in history, where “long” isn’t a compliment—it’s a diagnosis! If you’ve been searching for a way to waste your entire existence on something pointless, this game’s got your name on it. Death Stranding 2, Hideo Kojima, endless storyline, open-world adventure, 75-year gameplay—these are the buzzwords to let you know exactly what you’re signing up for. And hey, if you’re a millennial hooked on quick TikTok content, brace yourself for the slowest journey of your life, where every delivery feels like a hungover marathon 😅.
Death by 75 Years: Death Stranding 2 Will Bore You to Death Before the End!
Let’s start with the fact that Death Stranding 2 isn’t just a game—it’s a philosophy, where Kojima seems determined to test how much suffering gamers are willing to endure for his so-called “genius.” 30 hours for 0.1% of the story? That means full completion could take around 30,000 hours, or about 75 years if you play 8 hours a day. So, if you start now, your great-grandkids might see the ending on some PS25 in the year 2100. This isn’t a game; it’s a family heirloom! While you’re schlepping packages across post-apocalyptic wastelands, your Gen Z buddies will be posting memes about how you’re stuck in a game older than their grandmas 😂. And if you’re an “old-school” gamer from the ‘90s, you’ve probably already got arthritis from the first Death Stranding, so stock up on joint cream before diving into this slog.
And let’s not forget the open world. Oh, this darn open world! Kojima apparently decided that since you shelled out your hard-earned cash for the game, you’ve gotta explore every pebble, every puddle, and every pixel of this endless landscape. Forget the main storyline—it’s out there somewhere beyond the horizon, after 500 hours of picking mushrooms and dodging ghosts. This isn’t a game; it’s a courier simulator in hell, where every step is pain, and every delivery triggers an existential crisis. While you’re whining about how “this takes too long,” hardcore Kojima fanboys—those bearded hipsters—will lecture you about not getting “high art.” Sure, lugging packages for 75 years is basically an Oscar-worthy script, right? 🙄 And if you’re one of those trophy hunters, just know your PlayStation will burn out long before you hit even 1% of the achievements.
But the funniest part? The community’s reaction. While some gamers are already drafting petitions for Kojima to release a “speed-run version” of the game, others—those basement-dwelling esports wannabes—boast they’ll finish it in a mere 74 years and 11 months, like, “Look at me, I’m hardcore!” Yeah, right, buddy, you can’t even finish your breakfast without three reminders from your mom, and now you’re talking about a 75-year grind! And don’t forget the Twitch lurkers who don’t even play but just watch streams. These couch critics will spam the chat with, “I’d beat this in a week!” while munching chips and chugging energy drinks in their cluttered rooms. And a special shoutout to casual gamers who’ll buy Death Stranding 2, play for an hour, then toss the disc into a drawer labeled “I’ll finish it someday.” Spoiler: you won’t, because by then teleportation will be invented, and you’ll still be hauling packages in-game 😜.
Now, let’s ask the real question: why even play Death Stranding 2 when you can just watch a walkthrough on YouTube? Seriously, by the time you reach the end, every spoiler will be online, and your character will probably die of old age in-game. Kojima is the ultimate troll master, and he’s outdone himself here. It’s like he’s saying, “Want my new game? Cool, but first sign a 75-year slavery contract in an open world.” And while you’re complaining that the original Death Stranding was shorter, diehard fans will argue the sequel is the “true experience,” and you’re just lazy. Oh, sure, a true experience is playing a game longer than you’ve been alive. So, if you’re up for this insanity, stock up on patience, coffee, and maybe a last will and testament, because Death Stranding 2 isn’t a game—it’s a life sentence 🤣.
Now imagine this in the future. Your kids ask, “Dad, what did you do with your life?” And you reply, “I played Death Stranding 2, son, and made it to 1.5% of the story.” Pride, tears in your eyes, and you show them your ancient controller like it’s a sacred relic. Meanwhile, your gym buddies will brag about running marathons, while you’ll flex about jogging 10,000 virtual kilometers with a package on your back. And as the world debates cutting-edge tech and AI, you’ll be in your little corner, chatting with fellow “survivor” gamers about which bridge was the hardest to build in-game. This isn’t just a game; it’s a lifestyle choice for the most desperate—or those with way too much free time 😎.
Lastly, let’s talk about Kojima himself. This guy clearly decided that if he’s making a game, he’s also turning us all into philosophers who ponder the meaning of life while hauling boxes through virtual deserts. Maybe Death Stranding 2 is his way of saying, “Hey, gamers, you’re wasting your life on nonsense—here’s 75 years to figure that out.” And while we’re all laughing about it, he’s probably sipping sake in his office, brainstorming Death Stranding 3, where completion will take 150 years. So, if you’re ready for this madness, grab the game, get comfy, and prepare for the longest journey of your life. And don’t forget to leave a review in 75 years—if you live that long, that is 😏.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
