In a bold display of creative bankruptcy, Ubisoft announced they’re scrapping their usual Ubisoft Forward event and replacing it with Ubisoft Backward 2025 — a showcase dedicated entirely to remakes, remasters, and sequels nobody asked for. This year’s lineup of digital leftovers includes Splinter Cell Remake, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time Remake, Anno 117: Romana, and something called HoMM: Olden Era, which promises to be “so old-school it smells like floppy disks and dad’s basement”.
Rather than innovate, Ubisoft has decided to moonwalk into 2025 by diving headfirst into its dusty IP closet. “We’re returning to a time when our games didn’t launch completely broken — 2003,” said one senior producer while drinking directly from a bottle of Bordeaux. Ubisoft’s official slogan for this year’s event? “Only bad games need sequels — and we’re the best at those.”
Nothing New Under the Ubisoft Sun — But Hey, Here’s a New Filter
Ubisoft Backward is essentially a zombie rave for middle-aged gamers, where aging heroes put on fresh textures and pretend it’s still cool. The star of the show is Splinter Cell Remake, where Sam Fisher gets night vision goggles and a senior citizen discount. Meanwhile, Prince of Persia returns once again, but this time with the same camera bugs you remember fondly from your teen years.
Anno 117: Romana aims to deliver the Roman Empire experience… as imagined by accountants. Expect thrilling action like collecting grain taxes and bribing senators using Uplay coins. And HoMM: Olden Era — a love letter to all the 40-year-old dudes on Reddit screaming, “BRING BACK HEROES III!” — is being developed in a graphic engine that’s basically Microsoft Excel with ray tracing.
Who Will Buy This Crap? You Will, You Nostalgic Degenerates
Ubisoft knows its target audience: nostalgic man-children who still wear LAN party t-shirts and cry when they hear MIDI music. You, the person who thinks Chaos Theory is the pinnacle of human achievement. You, who hasn’t felt real joy since Heroes III but gets a semi every time Ubisoft teases a “classic remaster”.
Backward 2025 isn’t about gaming — it’s about emotional comfort food for grown men in crisis. It’s cheaper than therapy, and way more socially acceptable than crying in the shower. Ubisoft even teased a special offer: buy all four remakes, get a free coupon for a prostate exam and a therapy session.
When Creativity Dies, Just Add 4K and a Checkbox
Ubisoft is no longer a game developer — it’s a necromancer, resurrecting old IPs to squeeze a few more bucks from dead franchises. Forget innovation. This is all about copy-pasting nostalgia in HD and praying no one notices. Even the bugs are faithfully preserved — it’s not a remake, it’s historical preservation.
While Sony flexes photo-realism and Nintendo keeps printing money with Mario, Ubisoft is out here saying: “F*ck it, here’s a remake again, just like your childhood — only glitchier.” And honestly, we’ll probably all buy it. Not because it’s good — but because we’re tired, we’re old, and modern games are exhausting.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
