🎬 Marvel’s “Thunderbolts” is officially the cinematic equivalent of soy milk: overhyped, overfunded, and underwhelming. Despite glowing reviews from critics and more diversity than a college brochure, the film managed to rake in just $369.9 million at the global box office — a solid $130 million short of breaking even. That’s right: Disney’s golden goose just laid a diamond-encrusted turd. 💩
Enter Elon Musk — tech mogul, Twitter rebrander, and self-declared savior of Western civilization.
“I’m personally launching a full audit of the Thunderbolts budget,” Musk tweeted while juggling a Dogecoin plushie. “I have the tools to make Disney great again. That’s literally why I created the Department of Government Efficiency — DOGE.” 🐕
Another Superhero Fail: “Thunderbolts” Flops, Musk Says He Has a Plan
Let’s pause and reflect: this is the same man who promised Mars colonies by 2022, turned Twitter into an edgy Word doc, and believes X is a serious app name. But hey, if he can take a $44B platform and somehow make it worse — maybe he really can fix Marvel. At least he’ll start by firing everyone whose job title ends in “consultant” or “sensitivity.” 👋
💸 Inside sources say the real reason for the film’s failure was “superhero fatigue,” combined with audience complaints like “where are the white guys?” and “why does the villain cry in therapy?” Spoiler: the main antagonist is a cishet white male — and somehow not a closeted fascist — which caused massive outrage on TikTok and three BuzzFeed thinkpieces.
⚒️ According to Musk, Phase One of Operation Save Marvel includes slashing all roles related to “emotional intimacy managers,” “conflict resolution advisors,” and “trauma authenticity coordinators.” Apparently, the film’s budget included $47 million for “inclusive lunch breaks” and “genderless reshoot days.” The only thing that wasn’t diversified? The box office returns.
😎 Meanwhile, the fanbase has split like a bad multiverse timeline. Half are begging Musk to direct his own version of the film — complete with robots, laser swords, and a final boss fight against cancel culture. The other half just want their superheroes to punch stuff again instead of giving TED Talks about their feelings.
🧬 Disney, bless their corporate soul, is still trying. Rumor has it the next Marvel flick will star a non-binary Afro-Latinx deaf model and a trans cat in a wheelchair. Working title: Avengers: Safe Space Protocol. The plot? A ragtag crew of emotionally fragile heroes must stop a toxic masculinity cloud from gentrifying Brooklyn.
🐶 Meanwhile, Musk’s new DOGE department is preparing to scale up. Next targets: Netflix originals, government spending reports, and a YouTube mini-series about a 12-year-old Spider-Person who identifies as “the concept of air.” So far, 18 screenwriters have signed on — none of whom have read a comic book, but all completed a workshop on narrative decolonization.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
