In a move that screams both desperation and capitalist brilliance, Summit Entertainment is releasing a standalone film made entirely out of John Wick’s 15-minute cameo in the lukewarm disaster known as Ballerina. Yes, we’re officially living in a timeline where Keanu Reeves is chopped into monetizable segments — like a salami of stoic vengeance.
If you blinked and missed it: Ballerina is a spin-off from the John Wick universe that was supposed to “expand the lore” but really just tried to milk more money out of the Wick fanbase like it’s a drunk cash cow. The movie features Ana de Armas as a grim-faced killer-dancer hybrid nobody asked for. But fans weren’t buying it. Literally. Ticket sales dropped harder than a henchman with a pencil in his eye — only the first John Wick movie performed worse. Ouch. 💀
John Wick, Now Sold by the Minute: “Ballerina” Bombs, 15-Minute Clip Gets Own Movie
So what’s the fix? Simple: take the only thing fans did like — Keanu’s tiny cameo — and turn it into a full-blown movie. Because who needs a coherent plot when you can have 15 minutes of slow-motion Keanu in a suit killing people to violins? It’s like protein powder for action junkies.
This isn’t just a cash grab — it’s a business model for the future. 🍿 If it works, Hollywood’s new rollout plan will be:
– Give fans what they want (Keanu)
– Remove what they didn’t (literally everything else)
– Call it art
This whole thing makes the Star Wars Holiday Special look like Citizen Kane. Studio execs reportedly brainstormed titles like John Wick: Fragment, Wick Drops, or just plain Glimpse. Personally, we suggest Keanu Crumbs: The Fanboy Special Edition.
No Plot, No Problem 💥
Let’s be real: Ballerina was DOA. Ana de Armas, despite being as photogenic as a tequila bottle at Coachella, couldn’t carry a Wick film. Or maybe the Wick crowd just isn’t into ballet and brooding dance assassins. Either way, the film fell flatter than a Zoomer’s attention span.
Naturally, some people loved it — mostly Tumblr feminists and film school interns writing essays titled “The Gender Politics of Headshots”. But the core Wick fans — the sweaty, gun-obsessed dudes who think Wick could beat Batman — weren’t having it. What they wanted was Wick. And only Wick. So Summit cut everything else and said, “Fine, take your 15 minutes and shut up.”
They’re not even pretending anymore. According to leaks, the “movie” will just be Keanu staring into the camera, walking in slow-mo, and killing three dudes in a hallway. That’s it. No plot. No subtext. No Ana de Armas whisper-crying about her past. Just pure, uncut Wick — like espresso for action fans. ☕🔫
Hollywood’s New Drug: Micro-Dosing Keanu 😵💫
This could actually become a trend. After all, if people are willing to pay to see 15 minutes of Keanu, what’s next?
– 2 Minutes of Tom Hardy Growling in a Hat
– 12 Seconds of Ryan Gosling Looking Sad at a Window
– The Rock Saying “Family” on Repeat: Director’s Cut
Forget storytelling — the new Hollywood formula is attention-span cinema. Movies for the TikTok brain. 🎥 Theaters will soon serve short-form movies like tapas: “Here’s your Wick sampler, sir, would you like a side of Vin Diesel grunts?”
Ironically, this is what we deserve. We traded full narratives for streaming sludge, and now the sludge is served in Keanu-shaped packaging. The studios know they can feed you a single spoonful of action and you’ll come back begging like it’s John Wick Methadone.
Fans Divided, Feminists Triggered 🤡
As always, Twitter is in meltdown mode. Wick fans are hyped. Critics are confused. Feminists are pissed that “once again, a man stole a woman’s movie.” But let’s be honest — Ballerina stole two hours from all of us first. This is payback.
And let’s not ignore the elephant in the theater: if the genders were reversed and a male-led spin-off flopped, would they rush to release 15 minutes of the female cameo? Hell no. This is Keanu privilege, and we support it fully.
In the end, maybe this is what Hollywood should be: an endless loop of Keanu Reeves kicking ass, cut into digestible chunks, and sold on subscription. No fluff. No ballet. No politics. Just Wick.
Coming soon: John Wick: Shorts Edition — available in 3, 7, or 15-minute packages. Also streaming on WickTok. 🔁
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
