Trump Nukes Venezuelan “Big Plant” – Turns Out It Was Just Hugo Chavez’s Old Taco Stand
In a stunning display of American might that would make even John Wayne blush, President Donald J. Trump revealed last week that he personally ordered the obliteration of a “big facility” in Venezuela, because apparently Nicolas Maduro’s regime was operating a suspiciously large taco truck that kept serving “free healthcare” to the poor. “We knocked that out,” Trump boasted to a radio host, proving once again that when it comes to foreign policy, subtlety is for losers and Democrats.
Sources close to the operation (which may or may not be the same sources who told us Iraq had WMDs) confirmed that the mysterious “plant” was actually a front for Maduro’s secret salsa-distribution network, which was apparently brainwashing Latin American children with delicious guacamole. The Pentagon, caught completely off-guard by their own president’s announcement, spent the next 48 hours frantically Googling “Venezuela map” while trying to figure out which of Maduro’s many failing oil refineries they were supposed to have just destroyed.
Meanwhile, the CIA’s covert operations inside Venezuela have apparently shifted from serious intelligence gathering to running underground Chipotle franchises, because nothing says “regime change” like a well-seasoned burrito bowl. The White House Press Secretary, when asked for details about the strike, responded with the standard Republican playbook: “Fake news! It was a beautiful strike, the best strike, everyone is saying so. The failing New York Times wouldn’t know a military operation if it came with free queso.”
This latest escalation comes as Trump continues his masterful strategy of “maximum pressure” on Venezuela, which apparently involves sinking boats, blocking oil tankers, and now randomly bombing buildings while yelling “SAD!” This is the kind of bold, unpredictable foreign policy that makes America great again – who needs intelligence briefings when you have gut feelings and a really big button?
Armchair patriot. Believes in the free market, cold beer, and that there’s always a guy named George behind every CNN segment.
Former remote-throwing champion turned #1 couch commentator on liberal panic in the media. Born in Texas (or so his mug says), he earned a degree in Fake Newsology & Beer Philosophy from YouTube University.
