Downer and Blitzin’
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Month: December 2025
Pathetic Excuse For A Zoomer Tries Hard At Stuff, Cares About Things
WESTMINSTER, CO — According to sources, a so-called “Zoomer” is actually low-key trying hard at life and caring about…
Miss Rachel Apologizes For Poorly Timed ‘J Is For Jihad’ Episode
NEW YORK CITY, NY — Popular kids’ entertainment mogul Miss Rachel apologized this week for releasing what many are…
Trump Announces Jr.’s Engagement at White House Holiday Party Because Nothing Says Festive Like a Family Reality Show
Trump Jr.’s Engagement to Bettina Anderson Sparks White House Festivities and Tabloid Frenzy President Donald Trump recently announced the engagement…
Dead Island 3 Finally Crawling Out of Its Own Grave—Release Date? Not Today, Zombie!
🚨 BREAKING: Dead Island 3 Is Officially In Development, Because Apparently We All Didn’t Learn Our Lesson Last Time 🧟♂️💀…
BATTLE BEAST Recruits New Vocalist Marina La Torraca Because the Old One Finally Got Tired of Pretending to Be Dramatic
Move over, Noora, there’s a new diva in town! 🦸♀️ Finnish power metal juggernauts BATTLE BEAST have just dropped a…
‘Avatar: Fire and Ash’ Review: Finally, a Movie That Proves Fireworks Are Better Than Trees
James Cameron Just Dropped the Ultimate Space Soap Opera and It’s 3 Hours and 15 Minutes of Glorious Alien Drama…
Nintendo Dangles Digital Carrots At Addicted Fans With New Animal Crossing Features
🚨 BREAKING: Nintendo Has Decided That January 15th Is the Day We Finally Ascend to Our Highest Animal Crossing Selves…
AMY LEE: EVANESCENCE’s New Album Will Arrive In 2026—Just In Time To Save Our Souls From Eternal Silence
Amy Lee, the queen of goth-tastic angst and dramatic piano flourishes, has finally blessed humanity with the news we’ve all…
Rian Johnson’s Brain Has Unleashed More Whodunit Shenanigans—Knives Out 4 May Actually Solve the Mystery of How He Keeps Getting Greenlights
BREAKING: Rian Johnson Has “Ideas” For Fourth Knives Out Movie, Which Is Apparently Something We All Needed To Know Today…