BREAKING: Rian Johnson Has “Ideas” For Fourth Knives Out Movie, Which Is Apparently Something We All Needed To Know Today 🍿
In a shocking turn of events that absolutely no one saw coming (except literally everyone with a Netflix subscription), Rian Johnson has confirmed he’s been struck by the divine lightning bolt of inspiration and now possesses some “conceptual ideas” for a fourth Knives Out movie. Yes, you read that correctly. The man who somehow turned rich people being mean to each other into an Oscar-worthy bloodsport is back at it again, and this time he’s got… wait for it… “kernels.” Not popcorn kernels, mind you. Those would be inappropriate for a serious artistic discussion. No, these are “conceptual kernels” — which is apparently Hollywood speak for “I had a really interesting dream about murder after eating too much cheese before bed.”
Speaking to Entertainment Weekly in what can only be described as a heroic act of journalism, Johnson revealed that while he doesn’t have a theme, location, or actual plot, he does have “basic, elemental” notions floating around his creative brain pan. It’s unclear whether these “kernels” involve another wealthy family member getting murdered, or if this time it’s just a really aggressive game of Clue gone wrong. But hey, when you’ve got a formula that works, why change it? Just keep killing off different members of the same cursed dynasty until only the butler remains, cackling maniacally amidst the wreckage of multiple inheritance trusts. 💀
Now, before you start planning your “Wake Up Dead Man Part 2: Electric Boogaloo” fan fiction, Johnson has made it very clear that he’s not ready to actually write anything yet. Why rush when you can just casually dangle the possibility of more murder mysteries in front of desperate fans like a carrot on a stick? Or in this case, a very expensive antique dagger on a velvet pillow. He wants to make sure the next installment properly “reacts to the present moment,” which honestly sounds like code for “I need to wait and see what Twitter is mad about next year before I decide who gets murdered.”
And let’s be real here — we all know how this goes. Johnson will probably spend the next six months “reacting to the present moment” by watching TikTok dramas and reading Reddit threads until he stumbles upon some internet controversy he can twist into a murder plot. Will the next victim be a crypto bro who scammed his entire family? A wellness influencer who poisoned her followers with kale smoothies? A TikTok star who accidentally revealed the secret family recipe for grandma’s famous arsenic cookies? The possibilities are endless! ✨
But wait — there’s more! Before he even thinks about returning to his beloved whodunnit franchise, Johnson has decided he needs to direct “at least one original picture.” Which is great, except we all know how this ends. He’ll make some artsy-fartsy indie film about time-traveling baristas or whatever, it’ll get nominated for three obscure film festival awards that no one’s ever heard of, and then everyone will collectively forget about it until he inevitably comes crawling back to Knives Out like a prodigal son who realized murder mysteries pay the mortgage.
Let’s take a moment to appreciate the sheer commitment here. Johnson is out here treating these murder mysteries like they’re Shakespearean tragedies instead of what they really are — increasingly elaborate excuses for rich people to stab each other while wearing fabulous clothes. And honestly? We’re here for it. 🥰
Meanwhile, back in the real world, Wake Up Dead Man just dropped on Netflix, featuring enough star power to create its own gravitational field. We’ve got Daniel Craig doing his best Southern detective impression, Jeremy Renner playing a small-town doctor (which is honestly just a variation of Hawkeye but with more stethoscopes), Kerry Washington looking fabulous while probably solving crimes between court cases, and Glenn Close being Glenn Close, which is frankly a performance art piece all on its own.
The plot involves a murdered priest, a suspicious church musician, and apparently someone coming back from the dead, which means we’re officially in Agatha Christie meets The Walking Dead territory now. Honestly, at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if the next movie involves Benoit Blanc investigating a murder on the moon, or perhaps in hell itself. “Benoit Blanc: Ghost Detective” has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?
But here’s the real tea: Johnson has made it clear that NO ONE but him will ever write or direct another Knives Out movie. Not his friends, not his family, not even if the entire writing staff of every mystery show on television pleads with him while performing a ceremonial dance under a full moon. This is HIS franchise, dammit, and he will protect it with the ferocity of a thousand suns (or at least until the streaming money runs out).
And you know what? We respect that. We may not understand why it takes him three years to have another “kernel,” but we respect it. Because at the end of the day, when you’re watching another Knives Out movie, you know you’re getting exactly what you paid for: rich people being terrible to each other, beautiful locations that make you question your life choices, and Daniel Craig being the sassiest detective since Sherlock Holmes discovered eyeliner.
So here’s to you, Rian Johnson. Here’s to your conceptual kernels. Here’s to your present-moment reactions. Here’s to whatever bizarre murder scenario you eventually cook up in that twisted genius mind of yours. Just please, for the love of all that is holy, don’t make us wait another three years for the next installment. Some of us have developed unhealthy obsessions with these movies, and our therapists are starting to notice. 😇
And when that fourth movie finally arrives — because let’s be honest, we ALL know it’s coming, despite Johnson’s protests and his desire to make “original art” — just know that we’ll be here. We’ll be the ones rewatching the previous three movies for the 47th time, analyzing every frame for clues, arguing about red herrings on internet forums, and generally losing our minds over whether or not the butler did it (again).
Because that’s what Knives Out fans do. We don’t just watch movies. We live for the drama, the twists, the fashion, the one-liners. We live for Daniel Craig looking like he’d rather be anywhere else while somehow being the most captivating person on screen. We live for the sheer joy of watching terrible rich people get their comeuppance, one murder at a time.
So take your time, Rian. Have your kernels. React to the present moment. Make your artsy indie film about whatever weird thing interests you right now. We’ll be here, patiently waiting, with our magnifying glasses and our detective hats and our increasingly elaborate fan theories about who’s going to die next. 🔍
Because in the end, we all know the truth: We don’t deserve Rian Johnson’s murder mysteries, but he keeps giving them to us anyway. And for that, we are eternally grateful. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go rewatch Glass Onion for the 15th time and pretend I’m smart enough to figure out the twist before it happens. Spoiler: I never do. 🤡
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
