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Day: January 9, 2026

ALEX SKOLNICK Teams Up With ARDESHIR FARAH: Where Shredding Meets Shiraz
Breaking, Music News

ALEX SKOLNICK Teams Up With ARDESHIR FARAH: Where Shredding Meets Shiraz

Chord F. DiscordJanuary 9, 2026January 9, 2026

When the Electric Guitar Met Its Long-Lost Acoustic Cousin: A Tale of Two Six-String Wizards, One Who Forgot What Plugs…

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Stephen Miller
The Onion

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Stephen Miller

FinnJanuary 9, 2026

       White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller has been the force behind many of President Trump’s hard-line policies,…

Babylon Bee

Democrats Say Things Would Be Much Safer If Law Enforcement Would Just Stop Trying To Enforce The Law

FinnJanuary 9, 2026

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following recent ICE-related shootings, Democrat leaders stepped forward to remind the nation that everything would be…

LITA FORD Hopes To Release Her Long-Awaited New LP By May 2026: ‘The Whole Album Is A Theme’, She Says
Breaking

LITA FORD Hopes To Release Her Long-Awaited New LP By May 2026: ‘The Whole Album Is A Theme’, She Says

Chord F. DiscordJanuary 9, 2026January 9, 2026

🎸 Lita Ford: The Queen of Rock’s 2026 Album Release Is Coming… Or Is It? Spoiler: It’s Not. But the…

Fox News Sends Trump Quarterly Tithe Of 3 Blond Anchors
The Onion

Fox News Sends Trump Quarterly Tithe Of 3 Blond Anchors

FinnJanuary 9, 2026

       WASHINGTON—Saying the sumptuous gift should slake the administration’s thirst for the next few months, Fox News sent President Donald…

Whistleblowing for Dummies: How to Rat Out Your Boss Without Getting Fired (or at Least Do It From Your PJs)
Events

Whistleblowing for Dummies: How to Rat Out Your Boss Without Getting Fired (or at Least Do It From Your PJs)

Chuck B. BallsyJanuary 9, 2026

🚨 Calling all whistleblowers and secret keepers! 🚨 The WA government is hosting a “how to handle secrets like a…

Events

Digging Up Great-Grandpa’s War Stories So You Can One-Up Your Cousins at Thanksgiving

Chuck B. BallsyJanuary 9, 2026

Attention, history nerds and genealogy gremlins! 🧬💥 The National Archives is hosting a *thrilling* webinar on how to stalk your…

jackzebra, Dragnutz, 7038634357, Elipropperr: The Most Mysterious Band in History Finally Revealed
Events

jackzebra, Dragnutz, 7038634357, Elipropperr: The Most Mysterious Band in History Finally Revealed

Chuck B. BallsyJanuary 9, 2026

🚨 ATTENTION HUMANS: Bring your REAL ID or your passport, not a doodle on a napkin! 🚨 Elsewhere’s vibe is…

Chicago Shamrock Crawl – Wrigleyville’s St. Patrick’s Day Bar Crawl 25+Bars – Because Who Needs a Liver After March 17
Events

Chicago Shamrock Crawl – Wrigleyville’s St. Patrick’s Day Bar Crawl 25+Bars – Because Who Needs a Liver After March 17

Chuck B. BallsyJanuary 9, 2026

The Emerald City of Wrigleyville is under a leprechaun curse this March 17th, forcing locals to abandon their dignity and…

Events

Max B’s MLK Weekend Pop-Up at Polygon Promises Free Entry—Just RSVP and Hope Your Name Isn’t on a No-Fly List

Chuck B. BallsyJanuary 9, 2026

🚨BREAKING: Max B Invades Brooklyn Like a Hip-Hop Messiah Returning From Exile! 🚨 Get ready to witness history, suckers! Max…

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  • LETLIVE Might Possibly Maybe Consider New Music If They Feel Like It Someday Maybe

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Finn October 8, 2024
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Editorial 2026 main
Breaking, Editorial

Jackal Today’s New Year Message: We Hope 2026 Finally Stops Plagiarizing Our Satire as Breaking News

Finn December 31, 2025
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