Oh look, another “massive update” — Episode 2 for Highguard drops faster than my motivation to finish a Wordle streak.
Just a couple of weeks after launch, Wildlight Entertainment decided the game wasn’t chaotic enough, so they unleashed Ekon the Direwolf Boy, a new map called Skydrift (because why not float above your problems?), and a ranked mode that’ll make you question your life choices faster than a losing streak in Fall Guys.
First up, meet Ekon — the “last of the Wildwalkers,” which sounds like a rejected Marvel superhero origin story. His big gimmick? He turns into a direwolf instead of riding a mount. Groundbreaking. He’s faster than your Wi-Fi during a Netflix binge and comes with abilities like Dread (highlighting wounded enemies like they’re on a Tinder profile), Wolf Spirit (a ghost wolf that phases through walls because realism is overrated), and Fearsome Howl (which applies Dread to everyone because sharing is caring).
Then there’s Skydrift, a map set on floating islands because apparently, the devs binge-watched Avatar: The Last Airbender and thought, “Yes, let’s make players dizzy.” It’s joining the rotation in both 3v3 and 5v5 modes, so get ready to fall off cliffs and blame lag.
Ranked mode is here to ruin friendships and spike your cortisol levels. Starting everyone in Bronze 3 is generous — it’s like being handed a participation trophy before the race even starts. Climb through seven ranks (Bronze Hare to Grandmaster Leviathan) by earning Ranked Points (RP), which sounds suspiciously like a loyalty program for masochists. Pro tip: You can only de-rank within a division during a split, so enjoy that temporary ego boost while it lasts. At the end of each episode, you’ll get rewards based on your rank — probably just a pat on the back and a “better luck next time” meme.
Oh, and the patch notes are a mile long, packed with quality-of-life updates like reducing defensive phase time (because who needs strategy?) and adding orange weapon mods (for that citrusy aesthetic). Character tweaks are in there too, because balance is a myth.
Highguard is available on PS5, Xbox Series X|S, and PC, so no matter your platform of choice, you can experience the joy of getting repeatedly stomped by players who main Ekon. Happy hunting, Wardens — may your direwolf form be swift and your rage quits be few. 🐺✨
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
⚖️ ENTER THE LEGALIZER
Think the government has no idea what it's doing? Put your case before the Federal Case Terminal and find out.
