Well folks, the world has officially gone mad. After 30 years of psychological trauma, giant robot battles, and enough Freudian symbolism to make your therapist weep, someone decided to hand the keys to Neon Genesis Evangelion to Yoko Taro. Yes, the same Yoko Taro who thinks turning your main characters into androids is just Tuesday. This is like giving Picasso a coloring book and saying “Go wild, buddy.”
Let’s break down this glorious trainwreck waiting to happen. We’ve got the mastermind behind NieR: Automata‘s mind-bending plot twists now writing for a franchise that already makes Inception look like a children’s book. I can already picture the pitch meeting: “What if Shinji was actually a robot, but also a flower, and also dead, but also your dad?” Groundbreaking stuff.
The directing team is equally fascinating. Kazuya Tsurumaki, who brought us the Rebuild films (you know, those movies that made everyone question their sanity), is teaming up with Toko Yatabe, who apparently learned directing by watching Evangelion Unit-01 go berserk. Together, they’re probably plotting how to make us cry even harder than when Asuka got her arm ripped off. Spoiler alert: they’ll succeed.
And can we talk about the composer? Keiichi Okabe, the musical genius who made us all weep over android corpses in NieR, is now scoring an Evangelion series. Get ready for piano tracks that’ll make you question your existence while giant monsters punch each other in space. Truly, the soundtrack to your next existential crisis.
The real kicker? Yoko Taro himself admitted he basically just ripped off Evangelion for NieR: Automata. In a stunning display of honesty that would make politicians weep, he basically said “Yeah, I stole all this stuff. Thanks, Hideaki Anno!” Now he’s getting to play in the sandbox he’s been stealing from. It’s like the thief becoming the museum curator.
What will this new series be? A reboot? A retelling? A parallel universe where Shinji actually gets in the robot on the first try? We don’t know, and honestly, that’s probably for the best. Some mysteries are better left unsolved, like why anyone thought giving this franchise to the king of depressing video game narratives was a good idea.
The fandom is already losing their collective minds on social media, theorizing about whether this means Shinji will finally find happiness or if Asuka will discover she’s actually a program. Spoiler: neither will happen, and we’ll all end up crying into our Kaworu body pillows at 3 AM.
So grab your NERV IDs and prepare your therapy fund, because when Evangelion meets Yoko Taro, the only guarantee is that nothing will make sense and we’ll all emerge slightly more broken than before. It’s going to be beautiful, tragic, confusing, and exactly what we deserve. Third Impact can’t come soon enough.
The countdown to existential despair begins now. Mark your calendars, stock up on emotional support snacks, and maybe invest in some blackout curtains – you won’t be sleeping once this series drops. After all, in the world of Evangelion, the only thing more painful than the angels are the plot twists.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte, widely regarded as the “Shakespeare of Sh*tposts,” is a video game expert with a unique knack for turning pixels into punchlines.
Born in the small town of Respawn, Pennsylvania, Pixel grew up mashing buttons on an ancient NES controller, firmly believing that “blowing into the cartridge” was a sacred ritual passed down through generations.
Pixel P. Snarkbyte: proving that life, much like a buggy open-world game, is better with a little lag-induced chaos.
