SEVEN MILE BEACH, AUSTRALIA—In a shocking and violent scene that left the local marine mammal dead and dozens of others injured, Neil the Seal was reportedly killed in a shootout Friday with authorities in Tasmania. According to eyewitnesses, the 5-year-old southern elephant seal emerged from Tiger Head Bay early in the morning toting what appeared to be an AK-47, flopped straight toward a heavily armored police vehicle parked near the beach, and began firing. Law enforcement officials confirmed that officers exchanged more than 600 rounds of gunfire with the 2,200-pound Neil, who bellowed ceaselessly as he ducked behind a traffic cone for cover and struggled to pull the pin from a hand grenade with his unwieldy flippers. At press time, a postmortem toxicology report had found high levels of amphetamines in Neil the Seal’s system.
The post Neil The Seal Killed In Shootout With Authorities appeared first on The Onion.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
⚖️ ENTER THE LEGALIZER
Think the government has no idea what it's doing? Put your case before the Federal Case Terminal and find out.
