BOSTON—Struggling to come to grips with the unreasonable demands, local man Gerald Ullman told reporters Wednesday that his overbearing girlfriend was expecting him to take the feelings in his head and use words to say them into the world. “I just don’t get what she means when she says I should use my mouth to turn my thoughts into language,” said the frustrated Ullman, explaining that “brain thoughts aren’t for girlfriend.” “Just what does she think I am? Some sort of magician? If it’s in my skull, it’s going to stay in my skull, no matter how much I move my lips. She wants me to ‘open up’ and show her ‘what’s going on inside,’ but has anyone been able to do that before?” At press time, a flustered Ullman simply responded “Horny! That’s all it is—horny!” when asked what made him punch the wall.
The post Overbearing Girlfriend Expects Man To Take Feelings In Head, Use Words To Say Them Into World appeared first on The Onion.
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
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