The metal world just took a devastating blow straight to its face-piercing. Legendary heavy label Nuclear Blast Records — known for unleashing acts like Behemoth, Testament, and Meshuggah onto the unsuspecting public — has had its YouTube channel nuked into oblivion. The official statement blames a mysterious “external incident.”
But insiders tell a darker tale. And by “darker” we mean Nickelback levels of apocalyptic cringe. According to sources who allegedly still listen to Slipknot on cassette, the whole meltdown began when a janitor — yes, a janitor — played Photograph during his night shift.
Within seconds, YouTube’s AI triggered an emergency purge protocol, vaporizing the entire channel to “protect the users from further exposure.” A spokesperson later clarified: “The system registered the audio as a Level 6 sonic threat. Think biohazard, but Canadian.”
🚨 One Song to End Them All
It was supposed to be a normal evening at the Nuclear Blast HQ: leftover pizza, half-drunk Monster cans, and abandoned guitars tuned to drop Z. Then came the janitor. His name: Günther. His crime: Nickelback.
As the fateful lyric — “Look at this photograph” — echoed through the office, laptop mics picked up the audio. Within 43 seconds, the Nuclear Blast Records YouTube channel had been wiped from existence. Playlists, interviews, live shows, and the beloved “10 Ways to Die at a Cannibal Corpse Show” series… gone.
Instead of brutal metal, fans now get a 404 error and mild tinnitus. “It’s like someone poured diet soda on my childhood,” wrote one user. “I came here for blast beats, not Chad Kroeger’s karaoke.”
☠️ Nickelback Confirmed as Weapon of Mass Musical Destruction
Conspiracy theories are exploding faster than double-bass pedals. Some believe Nickelback has been weaponized by Spotify to dismantle YouTube’s metal scene. Others say it’s a Canadian psy-op designed to emotionally neuter the youth.
Metal fans now live in fear. Napalm Records has banned Bluetooth speakers. Century Media installs daily Nickelback detection tests. One employee was reportedly fired for whistling “How You Remind Me” during lunch.
The metal subreddit declared an international day of mourning. Emo TikTok teens (who think Disturbed is “dad music”) staged a candlelight vigil on Roblox. And on Facebook, a heated debate rages over whether Photograph is the “Stairway to Hell.”
🤡 Fallout: Social Groups in Panic
Society is tearing itself apart. Here’s a quick breakdown of the chaos:
— 🧠 Group A: Claims Nickelback was invented by the CIA to erase subcultures.
— 🧻 Group B: Blames Spotify sleeper agents infiltrating the janitorial workforce.
— 🍆 Group C: Just wants to twerk to “Rockstar” ironically on TikTok.
Meanwhile, mom groups on Facebook are cautiously asking, “Is Nickelback… really that bad?” only to be shadowbanned in record time. Wellness influencers are demanding that YouTube include trigger warnings before any “Canadian Content.”
And Günther? The janitor who started it all? Last seen entering Universal Music with a KFC bucket and a T-shirt reading “I wanna be a rockstar.” Authorities say he may have already infiltrated the elevator playlist department.
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
