🎭 Washed-up vampire, eyeliner enthusiast, and part-time Jesus cosplayer Jared Leto has finally found a way to get back into the headlines — by manufacturing sexual harassment allegations against himself. According to multiple sources close to the singer-actor-possibly-cult-leader, the 52-year-old Oscar winner spent hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to hire women (and probably a few bots) to publicly accuse him of being… well, like all the other famous creeps in Hollywood. 😬
The idea? If no one’s accusing you, are you even famous anymore? After the complete cinematic faceplant that was Morbius in 2022, Leto has barely made the gossip rounds. With upcoming roles in Tron: Ares and Masters of the Universe, the actor reportedly wanted to make sure audiences remembered him — not for talent, God forbid, but for scandal. Because in 2025 Hollywood, a career without sexual misconduct allegations is like a Marvel movie without CGI — empty and unprofitable.
“If James Franco gets to be a predator, why can’t I?”
Leto’s midlife crisis has taken a turn for the deeply theatrical. According to leaked emails (and one fan who manages a 30 Seconds to Mars subreddit), the star personally wrote fake victim statements under pseudonyms like “Crystal Rain” and “Moonchild88”. One alleged message read: “He looked at me like I was a Spotify Premium trial — and he was gonna cancel me in 30 days.”
Hollywood Nobody: Jared Leto Buys Himself a #MeToo Scandal
Another woman reportedly received $500 and a signed vinyl if she just “tweeted something vague about boundaries.” Unfortunately, the tweet flopped harder than Suicide Squad’s editing. Meanwhile, Leto allegedly rehearsed his public apology in the mirror for weeks, whispering: “I deeply regret making you uncomfortable with my cheekbones.”
Let’s be real — Leto is furious that no one has tried to cancel him. He once allegedly asked his tour manager, “Why the hell did Armie Hammer get cannibal DMs, and I can’t even get one BuzzFeed article accusing me of being weird?” Well, Jared, maybe because no one takes you seriously enough to cancel anymore. 🙃
30 Seconds to Cancel Me, Please
Still clinging to relevance like a Hot Topic clearance rack, Leto continues touring with 30 Seconds to Mars, playing shows in Eastern Europe, Midwestern state fairs, and the occasional vitamin convention. Fans claim the band’s new material sounds like “Imagine Dragons after a Xanax,” while critics describe his stage persona as “what would happen if Jesus fronted Coldplay.”
But that’s not enough for Jared. He reportedly told a groupie backstage: “Cancel culture is the new Billboard Top 10. If you’re not getting accused, you’re not getting streams.”
Even online feminists are confused. One Tumblr user wrote, “Wait… are we supposed to be mad at him now? Or is this just performance art?” Meanwhile, men’s rights forums are already welcoming Leto as their Patron Saint of Fake Accusations — right next to Elon Musk and Joe Rogan’s AI clone.
Netflix Documentary Incoming: Leto. Lies. Los Angeles.
Industry insiders predict that this absurd PR stunt could land Jared a limited docuseries deal. Working title? “Creep of Consciousness: The Jared Leto Story.” The show would follow Jared’s quest to be cancelled just enough to get relevant again, but not enough to lose his Disney contract.
Early pitches include dramatic reenactments of Jared sexually harassing himself in a mirror, uncomfortable sit-down interviews with ex-fans, and a finale where he sings an acoustic version of “The Kill” in front of a tribunal of Twitter moderators.
The takeaway? Jared Leto is a man so desperate for fame, he tried to #MeToo himself. In a world where scandal is currency, Leto just tried to write his own check. 🤑
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
