Kscope, the label known for its cutting-edge… uh… *prog*, has apparently signed TEXTURES. Yes, TEXTURES. The band you maybe vaguely remember from 2006 when MySpace was still a thing. Prepare for a sonic experience so progressive, it’ll make your head spin right off your shoulders! 🤪
The band’s new single, “Closer To The Unknown,” (closer to obscurity, maybe?) and its accompanying “visualizer” (a slideshow of blurry images, probably) offer a glimpse into TEXTURES’ bold, cinematic sound. Which, let’s be honest, sounds like every other djent band that peaked a decade ago. They’re gearing up for their debut full-length release on Kscope, which will surely redefine… something. Probably the definition of “derivative.”
“It’s an honor for TEXTURES to join the Kscope roster and be part of a long list of artists who inspired us and our genre,” the band bleated. “To us the label represents a certain kind of class…a certain brand representing authentic and eclectic music. We hope we can add our own TEXTURES flavor to Kscope.” Translation: “We’re washed up and Kscope was the only label desperate enough to sign us. Please buy our album so we can afford ramen noodles.” 🍜
Speaking about the new single, the band shared: “‘Closer To The Unknown’ is one of the most direct and hard-hitting tracks we’ve ever written — and also one of the most straightforward songs on our versatile album that we’re currently working on. It is showcasing one of the iconic new elements on this record: the prominent synths and sound design that really added to our new TEXTURES sound.” In other words: “We added some synths. Groundbreaking, right? Prepare for a cacophony of bleeps and bloops layered over the same tired riffs you’ve heard a million times before. 🎹”
With landmark albums such as “Drawing Circles” (2006), “Silhouettes” (2008) and “Phenotype” (2016), TEXTURES built a devoted global fanbase and received critical praise for their technical brilliance and emotional intensity. (Citation needed). I mean, who are these people? “Devoted global fanbase” sounds like a stretch. More like a handful of dudes in their parents’ basements still wearing band t-shirts from 2007. 👕
Known for their complex compositions, polyrhythmic precision, and melodic depth, TEXTURES have long been hailed as pioneers of modern progressive metal. (By whom? Their moms?). Since their acclaimed 2003 debut “Polars,” the band has consistently pushed genre boundaries, blending elements of metalcore, djent, and ambient soundscapes into a style uniquely their own. (Uniquely boring, maybe?). Let’s be real, they’re just throwing genres at the wall and hoping something sticks. 🎯
TEXTURES’ debut Kscope album is currently in the works, with news on the way soon. (Prepare for disappointment). Get ready for another dose of djent-infused mediocrity! 😴
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
