A veritable brown plague has descended upon the digital kingdom of Bohemia, circa 1428. The culprit is not tainted water or Cuman invaders, but the long-awaited Patch 1.4 for Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2. Warhorse Studios, a developer known for its obsessive dedication to historical accuracy, finally listened to the pleas of its fans and brought back privies. Now, our valiant protagonist, Henry, can not only save the kingdom and seduce milkmaids but also retreat to the outhouse with a profound sense of accomplishment. However, as the old saying goes, be careful what you wish for.
Along with the ability to answer nature’s call, the game introduced a devastating debuff: “Galloping Diarrhea.” Players who were eagerly anticipating a nice buff for reading a book on the can, like in the first game, instead got a one-way ticket on the express train to the nearest bush. This “feature” has triggered a literal shitstorm 💩, tanked Kingdom Come 2’s Steam rating, and left players asking the critical question: is this a brilliant feature or a catastrophic bug? The community is now split into two camps: those demanding an immediate fix for their characters’ bowels, and those applauding the developers for an unmatched level of realism.
And let’s be honest, this is what you wanted, you self-proclaimed historical re-enactors and disciples of “total immersion”! You’re the ones who whined on forums for years: “Why can’t I use the toilet in a medieval game?”, “Where is my defecation simulator?”, “I want to feel all the hardships of the common folk!” Well, congratulations, Warhorse Studios heard you. Now you get to feel it. You get to feel the sudden, violent cramps in the middle of a tense sword duel. You get to feel your perfectly planned ambush on a bandit camp get called off by an urgent biological summons. You get to enjoy your romantic date with the miller’s daughter being interrupted by a panicked search for the nearest latrine. This, my friends, is your precious realism! The Middle Ages weren’t just about knightly tournaments and noble ladies; they were also about dysentery, a complete lack of sanitation, and highly questionable food quality. The developers simply followed your dream to its logical, messy conclusion. Maybe the next patch will add fleas, scurvy, and a chance to die of gangrene from a paper cut? 🤺 For now, the same “hardcore” gamers who yesterday were bragging about playing without fast-travel are now crying in their Steam reviews, complaining that their mighty knight just soiled his shining plate armor because he couldn’t make it 100 yards back to the castle. Oh, the irony.
But, of course, the perpetually offended crowd couldn’t stay silent. Progressive gaming outlets and Twitter’s keyboard warriors have already condemned Warhorse Studios for “gastrointestinal discrimination” and for creating a “toxic environment for players with sensitive digestive systems.” One particularly gifted blogger wrote a whole article arguing, with a straight face, that the diarrhea debuff is an “abusive mechanic that mocks people with Irritable Bowel Syndrome.” 🚽 Are you serious? The people who demand inclusivity and safe spaces in a fictional 15th-century world are now getting triggered by virtual explosive bowel movements. They are demanding an option to disable physiological needs, the addition of a gender-neutral porta-potty behind every bush, and perhaps a stack of charcoal tablets as a starting bonus for all players. Their outrage has reached such a fever pitch that it feels like they’re about to organize a virtual protest with the hashtag #StopKCDiarrhea. As the satire experts at Jackal Today expertly noted, “the modern world has reached a point of absurdity where a video game character’s virtual flatulence can cause more public outcry than actual global problems.” You really can’t argue with that.
Meanwhile, the developers at Warhorse Studios are maintaining a cryptic silence, only adding fuel to the fire. Their only official comment in Discord was short and sharp: “Life in Bohemia was hard. Deal with it.” This response, naturally, made the internet explode. Some saw it as confirmation that the diarrhea is not a bug, but a carefully planned “feature” — a stroke of genius-level trolling and game design. Others saw it as pure arrogance and have completely lost faith in the studio. In the meantime, enterprising modders are already working overtime. The first few creations have appeared on Nexus Mods: “Iron Stomach,” “Anti-Diarrhea Potion,” and even a mod that replaces the sound of a gurgling stomach with majestic orchestral music. 🎶 The gaming community once again proves it can solve any problem on its own, even if that problem is uncontrollable virtual bowel evacuation. And while the studio stays quiet, players continue to fertilize the picturesque Bohemian fields, the game’s rating fluctuates more than Henry’s colon after a questionable bowl of stew, and we all get to watch this unique social experiment unfold. What will win out in the end: the thirst for realism or basic human comfort? The answer, it seems, will be washed away in the next wave… of updates.
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
