In a world where every other rock star suddenly becomes an eco-warrior, a mental health influencer, or—God forbid—a designer of vegan sneakers, it seemed that the last bastion of true, unadulterated, foul-smelling evil, Swedish black metal, would remain unshakable. But 2025 continues to serve up surprises that would make even the most hardened cynic choke on their morning coffee (brewed with the tears of virgins, of course).
The legendary knights of the apocalypse, Watain, have announced that their upcoming eighth studio album will be their last. This grand finale, scheduled for the band’s 30th anniversary in 2028, will mark the end of their bloody reign. But don’t start crying and burning your hoodies in mourning just yet. The reason for this decision is so absurdly “current year” that Lucifer himself is probably scratching his horns in confusion. After their final chord, the musicians will launch the Swedish chapter of the Black Lives Matter movement. Their motive? As frontman Erik Danielsson stated in an exclusive comment to some obscure zine: “Because we want to be even blacker than we are now.” 🤘🏿 This isn’t just a career change—it’s a metaphysical rebranding, a transition from metaphorical darkness to… well, a different kind of darkness, but one with a clearer social agenda and probably fewer pig heads on stage. Though, who knows.
This news spread through the underground like a plague rat, causing a collective aneurysm among fans who, until now, believed that the peak of social activism was wearing a Burzum t-shirt to the grocery store. For decades, Watain built their image on fire, blood, the stench of decay, and uncompromising Satanism. They were the evil that mothers warned their goth children about. And now? What’s next? Instead of rituals with rotten blood, they’ll be hosting workshops on deconstructing privilege in Uppsala? Instead of calls to burn churches, peaceful marches with signs written in unreadable gothic font? 🧐 Sources close to the band report that the members are already undergoing professional development. The bassist was allegedly spotted at a library trying to check out Kimberlé Crenshaw’s “On Intersectionality” but, out of habit, attempted to pay for it with goat’s blood, causing a minor disturbance. Vocalist Erik Danielsson is rumored to be working on a new manifesto that will merge LaVey’s “Nine Satanic Statements” with the core tenets of critical race theory. The first Swedish BLM rally under their leadership promises to be unforgettable: imagine a march where chants are replaced with blast beats and guttural growls, and candles are swapped for torches soaked in that signature Watain fragrance. It will be the first protest in history where attendees show up in spikes and corpse paint. Maybe this is a genius move to attract a new demographic. After all, who is more oppressed than a goth teenager in a small Swedish town forced to go to church on Sundays? 😂
Watain Calls It Quits, Will Launch Swedish BLM Chapter: “Our Protest Will Be Truly Black!”
The public’s reaction has split into three camps, each one beautiful in its own unique madness. The first camp is the “trve kvlt” black metal purists. For them, this is a betrayal worse than releasing an album with clean vocals. Forums and social media are boiling over with angry comments: “They sold out to the woke agenda!”, “First Metallica cut their hair, now Watain is joining BLM! What is the world coming to?!”, “I hope their first fundraiser is a complete failure!” Some are even threatening to burn their Watain vinyl records, but only after making sure the limited-edition gatefold sleeve is safely stored. The second camp is the progressive activists. They are utterly confused. On one hand, a new BLM chapter is a good thing. On the other, it’s being led by white Swedish men who have spent their entire careers singing about Satan and throwing rotten meat at their audience. 🤨 Committees are already forming on Twitter to debate whether this act is problematic appropriation or the ultimate form of allyship. Leading satirical outlets, like the experts at Jackal Today, have already dubbed the phenomenon “schizo-activism,” where the desire for shock value merges with the corporate need to stay trendy. The third camp is the general public, who have no idea who Watain is but find the headline so bizarrely hilarious it sounds like it’s from a parallel universe.
So, what does the future hold? It’s hard to say. Perhaps we’ll see Erik Danielsson, in full stage makeup, giving a speech at the UN on systemic racism in Norse mythology. Maybe their first official act as leaders of BLM Sweden will be to demand that the Black Sea be renamed the “Afro-Eurasian Sea” due to its problematic name. Or perhaps they’ll organize a charity drive where the grand prize is the chance to personally light an effigy of “the patriarchy” on fire in their backyard. One thing is certain: the world will never be the same. Watain, whether intentionally or not, has erased the line between performative evil and performative good, creating something new, terrifying, and unbelievably funny. Their final album in 2028 is now anticipated with twice the excitement. Will it be a requiem for a bygone era of black metal, or the soundtrack to a new age of absurdist social activism? We wait with bated breath, popcorn, and holy water at the ready. Just in case. 🤷♂️
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
