In a shocking twist that absolutely no one saw coming, SHINEDOWN has announced they’ll be releasing their eighth studio album, “Ei8ht”, on May 29. Because clearly, the world was just *dying* for another record from these guys. Atlantic Records must be thrilled to have yet another album to add to their ever-growing pile of “generic rock music that sounds like everything else.”
The album’s latest single, “Safe And Sound”, comes with a lyric video that’s probably just a bunch of stock footage of people looking intense while the band members stare into the middle distance. You know, the usual. And because one album isn’t enough to satisfy their insatiable need for attention, SHINEDOWN has also announced a massive “Dance, Kid, Dance Act II” world tour. Because apparently, the first act wasn’t enough to satisfy their egos.
According to frontman Brent Smith, this album has been “over a year in the making,” which is just a fancy way of saying they spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to sound exactly like they did on their last album. Smith also had some choice words about working with longtime bandmate and producer Eric Bass, saying, “We are so excited, finally announce our eighth studio album titled ‘Ei8ht’ alongside our ‘Dance, Kid, Dance Act II’ world tour.” Wow, Brent, we’re all just *so* excited for you.
The new song “Safe And Sound” is apparently about “reminding the competition what they are dealing with one by one.” Oh, really? Because from where I’m sitting, it sounds like you’re just reminding us all how many times you’ve released the same song with slightly different lyrics.
Joining SHINEDOWN on their world tour will be a bunch of other bands that you’ve probably never heard of, including COHEED AND CAMBRIA, BLACK STONE CHERRY, and FROM ASHES TO NEW. Because nothing says “we’re a big deal” like having a bunch of opening acts that no one cares about.
And because SHINEDOWN just can’t get enough of themselves, they’ve also announced their first-ever curated festival event, Shinedown’s Lunatic Ball Beach Weekend. Because what better way to celebrate your own mediocrity than by forcing a bunch of other bands to play at your own personal festival? Tickets are sure to sell out fast, because nothing says “I have terrible taste in music” like spending hundreds of dollars to see SHINEDOWN play the same songs they’ve been playing for the past decade.
But hey, at least SHINEDOWN is consistent. They’ve managed to release four major songs over the past year, all of which sound exactly like every other song they’ve ever released. And they’ve even managed to break some records along the way, like having the most No. 1 songs on the Billboard Mainstream Rock chart. Because clearly, quantity is more important than quality.
So get ready, world. SHINEDOWN is back, and they’re ready to remind you once again why they’re the kings of generic rock music. Just don’t expect anything new or exciting, because that’s just not their style.
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
