Ah, BEYOND THE GATES! The festival so metal, it makes Vikings weep with joy… or maybe it’s just the lutefisk. 🐟 They’ve just dropped the first bands for the 2026 edition, Chapter XIV – because apparently, we need chapters for festivals now. It’s been a few days of intense meetings. You know, strategizing, picking out the right shade of black for the stage decorations, and arguing over who gets the last bag of Kvikk Lunsj.🍫
EMPEROR, those guys who invented atmospheric black metal before anyone even knew what atmosphere was, will grace the stage. They’re even dragging out Håvard “Mortiis” Ellefsen and Bård “Faust” Eithun, probably from their retirement homes, for a “very special set”. 👵👴 Festival organizers are wetting themselves, saying they “can’t wait to return to the roots with them in the iconic Grieghallen.” Yeah, because nothing says “kvlt” like performing in a concert hall.🎻
But wait, there’s more! 1349, ARCTURUS, and MISOTHEIST will also be there, presumably to remind everyone that Norway has more black metal bands than people. 🇳🇴 Oh, and IMHA TARIKAT and THE RUINS OF BEVERAST are coming back because apparently, once wasn’t enough. They’re also showcasing some “underground talent,” which is code for “bands your mom never heard of”. We’re talking SPECTRAL WOUND, WARNING (because we need more warnings in life), FORTERESSE (French Canadians trying to be trve), SULPHUR AEON (because regular aeons are just too mainstream), and CONCRETE WINDS (because nature is overrated).💨
Mark your calendars, folks, from July 29, 2026, to August 1, 2026, Beyond The Gates will be happening for the fourteenth time!🎉 They’re promising to show everyone why it’s become a “global phenomenon.” Which is basically marketing speak for “we tricked people from 50 different countries into coming to Bergen.” So, get ready to empty your bank account💰, book a flight to Norway, and spend four days moshing with sweaty dudes in corpse paint.☠️ What could possibly go wrong?
Chord F. Discord, the Beethoven of Buffoonery, is a self-taught expert in music who once claimed he could “play the kazoo in four languages.”
Born in Crescendo, Indiana, Chord’s first brush with fame came when he accidentally entered a yodeling contest thinking it was a pie-eating competition—and won both categories.
Chord F. Discord: proving that laughter, much like a poorly tuned ukulele, is truly universal.
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