Trump’s Venezuela Oil Heist: When ‘Making America Great Again’ Means Stealing Everyone Else’s Stuff
In a move that would make even the most cartoonish Bond villain blush, the Trump administration has decided that Venezuela’s oil reserves are now officially “Trump Property.” After overthrowing Maduro in what can only be described as a real-life version of “The Dictator,” the administration is now trying to figure out how to sell off an entire country’s natural resources while convincing American oil companies to invest in what is essentially a war zone.
Energy Secretary Chris Wright, who apparently missed the memo about not profiting from regime change, is running around Miami telling oil executives “We’re interested! How can we get involved?” Meanwhile, back in reality, Venezuela is a mess with roving militias, government repression, and infrastructure that makes a third-world country look like Switzerland. But hey, when has basic safety and stability ever stopped a good business opportunity?
The plan, according to sources who clearly need their heads examined, involves the U.S. government seizing millions of barrels of Venezuelan oil and selling them on the open market. The brilliant legal strategy? Use offshore bank accounts and international oil traders because, as one former Treasury employee noted, “The Treasury Department is not set up to handle commercial transactions like this.” No, that would require, you know, following laws and having some kind of oversight.
What could possibly go wrong? We’re talking about a country where the oil infrastructure was nationalized in 2007 and the companies that tried to operate there before got “screwed” according to administration officials. Now they want to spend billions rebuilding what Chavez destroyed, in a country where nobody knows who’s actually in charge or whether they’ll live to see a return on investment.
But don’t worry, folks! This is all part of Trump’s master plan to “benefit the Venezuelan people” – or at least that’s what they’re telling themselves while they figure out how to launder the money through shell companies. The fact that nobody has any idea how this will actually work, who will control the funds, or whether anyone will actually be stupid enough to invest in this disaster is just details.
This whole operation has “colossal failure waiting to happen” written all over it, but at least the oil executives will have some great war stories to tell at their next country club meeting. “Remember that time we tried to rebuild Venezuela’s oil industry? Yeah, that didn’t go so well after the militias showed up with AK-47s…”
Armchair patriot. Believes in the free market, cold beer, and that there’s always a guy named George behind every CNN segment.
Former remote-throwing champion turned #1 couch commentator on liberal panic in the media. Born in Texas (or so his mug says), he earned a degree in Fake Newsology & Beer Philosophy from YouTube University.
