Parisian cinema-goers were in for an unexpected historical event at the premiere of Houda Benyamina’s «All for One» (Toutes pour une), a «brave» reinterpretation of Alexandre Dumas’ legendary musketeer saga. The film, which envisions Athos, Porthos, Aramis, and D’Artagnan as women disguised under fake mustaches 🤡, was met with crickets at the box office, proving once again that no amount of progressive rebranding can save a bad idea.
Dumas’ Ghost Rises from the Grave to Challenge Feminist Musketeers to a Duel!
But the real plot twist of the evening came when a mysterious, suspiciously Dumas-looking gentleman stormed the screening, watched in stoic agony, and then, in true musketeer fashion, challenged the entire production crew to a duel at dawn! 💀⚔️ Eyewitnesses claim the ghost of Dumas loudly condemned the film as a «cultural guillotine» before vanishing into the Parisian night. Some say he was a radical cosplayer; others whisper it was the great writer himself, resurrected by sheer artistic outrage.
«All for One»… But Not for Audiences! The Epic Box Office Disaster 🎬📉
As much as critics try to polish this cinematic disaster, the numbers tell a brutal story. In five painful days, the feminist Musketeers scraped together just over 9,000 viewers, despite 564 screenings. Mathematically speaking, that means some sessions were graced with the presence of 10-15 suffering souls at best—perhaps prisoners on day release or lost tourists seeking shelter from the rain. 🌧️
🔥 «Dumas’ Ghost Declares War on Feminist Musketeers! Duel at Dawn?» 💀⚔️
French audiences, known for their snobbish taste in cinema, have spoken:
- «Even the guillotine was a more merciful execution of French culture.» – An anonymous viewer, still recovering from trauma.
- «Dumas’ original Musketeers were men because, back then, women had more important things to do—like avoiding the plague and not dying in childbirth.» – An outraged historian.
- «This is a betrayal! Even Netflix couldn’t make something this bad!» – A hardcore Musketeer fan.
Some argue the film’s failure is due to «misogyny», while others, armed with functioning brains, suggest that turning a swashbuckling tale into a forced diversity statement doesn’t make for great entertainment.
Ghost of Dumas vs. Hollywood’s Wokeness: The Duel of the Century? 👻⚔️
The highlight of the disastrous premiere was, of course, the appearance of Dumas’ furious ghost, who allegedly rose from his grave at the Montmartre Cemetery, having been awoken by the sheer artistic crime committed in his name. After heroically enduring the screening, the ghost—or an incredibly devoted hater in period costume—stood up and roared across the cinema hall:
«Who has desecrated my legacy with this grotesque masquerade? I demand satisfaction! Prepare for a duel!» 💀⚔️
Reports suggest the entire film crew collectively dropped their lattes ☕ and quickly made a run for it before the ghost could hand them tiny rapiers for a lesson in classical fencing. Meanwhile, the audience erupted in applause, cheering the ghost as the last true protector of French culture and storytelling integrity.
Was it really Dumas’ spirit, or just a drunken theater actor sick of 21st-century revisionism? Who knows. But one thing is certain: justice was served that night.
From Art to Activism: How to Kill a Classic in One Easy Step 📖🔪
The failure of «All for One» is yet another tragic case of modern entertainment prioritizing messaging over storytelling. While nobody opposes female-led action films, it’s a whole different game when Hollywood forcibly rewrites beloved classics to fit modern ideological narratives—especially when they fail to make them interesting.
But fear not! The disastrous box office results have sent a strong message to woke filmmakers: Stop butchering classics, or be ready to face the wrath of history itself—Dumas-style! 👻⚔️
As for the ghost? Rumor has it he’s already preparing for his next battle against whatever woke abomination Hollywood is cooking up next. Maybe a gender-swapped Napoleon where he apologizes for his imperialism? 😂🇫🇷
Finn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer, where his expertise in capturing every single frame of a squirrel stealing a baguette earned him accolades at obscure film festivals.
Born in the glamorous town of Boring, Oregon, Finn grew up with dreams of being a Hollywood director until he realized that satire, not cinema, was his true calling—or at least the one that let him sleep until noon.
Finn McFrame: changing the world, one satirical lens flare at a time.
