Uh Oh: Saint Peter Starts Asking Everyone At Pearly Gates To List Five Ways They Advanced God’s Kingdom On Earth
HEAVEN — Individuals waiting in line to enter their eternal home were struck with fear, as they realized Saint Peter…
Day: February 26, 2025
AARP Wondering If Anyone Will Notice Kathy Bates On Cover For 9th Issue In Row
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Cautiously optimistic that the trend would continue to arouse no suspicions from readers, executives at AARP reportedly wondered…
Walmart Introduces Mobility Crane To Lift Shoppers Into Their Mobility Scooters
BENTONVILLE, AR — Walmart has introduced handy new “Mobility Cranes” in order to lift heavier shoppers in and out of…
Male Friend Who Responded To Text Within 24 Hours Obviously Gay
U.S. — Local man Trevor Woden accidentally came out of the closet earlier this week by responding to a text…
Here Is The Federal Employee Union’s List Of 10 Demands To The Trump Administration
Read MoreBabylon Bee FinnFinn McFrame, celebrated satirical mastermind and self-proclaimed “Emperor of Irony,” started his illustrious career as a cinematographer,…
NSA Agents Horrified People Spying On Their Personal Conversations
FORT MEADE, MD — A group of federal employees expressed feelings of shock and outrage over blatant violations of their…
Jake Tapper Announces New Book: ‘The Search For The Man Who Peed Jake Tapper’s Pants’
U.S. — CNN anchor Jake Tapper has announced a new book coming this May entitled The Search For The Man…
🎵 “AI Just Got Owned! 🤖 Musicians Drop Silent Album, And It’s a Chart-Topping ‘Masterpiece’!” 🎶
British music fans are in shock, and the AI industry is sweating bullets—because the most critically acclaimed album of the…
Mitch McConnell Won’t Seek Reelection In 2026
Read MoreThe OnionRepublican Senator Mitch McConnell announced that he won’t seek reelection next year, ending a decades-long tenure as a…
Federal Judge Declares Constitution Unconstitutional
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A federal appellate judge delivered a heavy blow to the Trump administration today, issuing a stunning ruling…