Finally: State Department Officially Classifies Los Angeles Dodgers As Terrorist Organization
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a long-awaited move that signaled a turning point in the war against evil and lawlessness, the…
Day: February 20, 2025
Trump Boys Get Tongues Stuck To Frozen White House
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Flailing their arms and crying out in anguish, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly panicking Thursday…
Nineveh Promises To Repent As Soon As This Prophet Who Smells Like Whale Barf Leaves Town
NINEVEH — After a surprise visit from an Israelite prophet who inexplicably reeks of whale vomit, local residents have agreed…
Object Left On Stairs Begins Weeks-Long Migration To Bedroom
EDINA, MN — In one of the most beautiful natural phenomena known to mankind, some objects left on the stairs…
Facebook Memories Remind Man Of His Embarrassing Libertarian Phase
PLANO, TX — It was a rough day for Jaxon Creed when he decided to login to Facebook and was…
Trump Signs Executive Order Mandating Second Breakfast
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The new administration continued to usher in a modern golden age for America, as President Donald Trump…
Venomous Snake Found In Bananas At New Hampshire Grocery Store
Read MoreThe OnionAn Ornate cat-eyed snake was found hiding in a bunch of bananas at a New Hampshire grocery store,…
‘How Different Could Purified And Distilled Water Really Be?’ Thinks Humidifier Owner About To Enter World Of Shit
Read MoreThe OnionFOXFIELD, CO—As he näively filled the household appliance with little regard for the consequences of his actions, local…
⚔️ Avowed Now Auto-Installs with Windows – and You Can’t Remove It! 💸
Microsoft and Obsidian Entertainment have come up with a bold and innovative way to boost interest in their ambitious new…