White House Cheerleading Squad Loads Epstein Files In T-Shirt Cannons And Launches Them Into Crowd
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A boisterous and jubilant throng gathered on the front lawn of the presidential residence today to celebrate…
Day: February 27, 2025
Trump Plans To Sell $5 Million Gold Card Visa To Attract Rich Foreigners
Read MoreThe OnionPresident Trump said he will introduce a new “gold card” visa to attract wealthy foreigners to America, which…
Man With Very Stressful Life Decides to Unwind By Watching Very Stressful Basketball Game
DALLAS, TX — The age-old tradition of people spending their free time engaging in activities that are far less relaxing…
Man Spits Out Blood While Flossing Like Battered Prizefighter In Championship Bout
Read MoreThe OnionHIALEAH, FL—Crimson droplets splattered across local man Cameron Downs’ white porcelain sink Thursday after he began flossing and…
Sorry Excuse For Worship Song Doesn’t Even Have Guitar Solo
NEWARK, NJ — Churchgoers at New Wine Community Church were reportedly dismayed when they were led in singing a sorry…
Guardian Angel Dutifully Stands Over Man Watching TV To Make Sure He Doesn’t Choke On His Pringles
FORT DODGE, IA — A spiritual sigh could briefly be heard breaking through the veil separating worlds as local man…
RFK Jr. Vows To Make Measles Deaths So Common They Won’t Be Upsetting Anymore
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Addressing the ongoing outbreak in Texas that has infected at least 124 state residents and killed one child,…
Conservatism Saved As Muslim Sex Trafficker Brought Back To U.S.
U.S. — Patriotic Americans coast to coast raised a collective cheer today after hearing news that conservatism itself had been…
Department Of Education Sternly Announces It Is Counting To 3
Read MoreThe OnionWASHINGTON—Insisting they were serious this time as they addressed all 340 million Americans, officials with the U.S. Department…
Republicans Clarify That Deficit Spending Only A Problem When Democrats Do It
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Soon after presenting a new spending bill that adds billions of dollars to the federal deficit, Republicans…