Miley Cyrus just debuted a new song called “More to Lose” in front of…wait for it…her EXES! 🤣 Is this the new form of therapy? “Hey, let me sing about my heartbreak directly to the people who caused it!” Talk about awkward Thanksgiving dinner vibes! 🦃
So, the “Midnight Sky” songstress, who clearly hasn’t run out of creative ways to recycle past relationships, decided a pre-Met Gala event in NYC was the perfect venue for this spectacle. A “small crowd” got the privilege of witnessing the birth of this “stirring ballad” from her upcoming album, *Something Beautiful*. Yeah, because break-up songs are *always* beautiful. 🙄
Miley, in a moment of profound self-awareness (or maybe just to stir the pot), announced to the assembled exes: “I have a lot of people that I’ve known and loved for a very long time in this room. Even a couple of exes.” Oh, honey, we *know* you have a collection. Are you planning to open a museum of broken hearts? 💔 Maybe sell tickets? I’d pay to see Liam’s face during this performance.
Then she proceeded to belt out lyrics like: “Oh, I’ll stay when the ecstasy is far away / And I pray that it’s comin’ ’round again. And you say it, ‘I wish it wasn’t true, oh’ / I knew someday, the one would have to choose / I thought we had more to lose.” Deep, right? Shakespeare could never. 😂 I’m sure all the exes were just *thrilled* to be reminded of their past mistakes. Talk about a captive audience!
Now, let’s play “Guess Who’s Cringing in the Crowd?” The list of potential victims includes ex-husband Liam Hemsworth (who probably just wanted a burger), Cody Simpson (remember him?), Stella Maxwell (who?), Nick Jonas (pre-Priyanka days!), Kaitlynn Carter (that summer fling!), and Tyler Posey (Teen Wolf era!). It’s like a who’s who of Miley’s romantic history. Who was actually there? Nobody knows! The suspense is killing me! 🔪
*Something Beautiful*, which is apparently a “visual album” (because just listening isn’t enough these days), drops on May 30th. And get this, it’s premiering at the Tribeca Film Festival in June! Move over, Scorsese, there’s a new auteur in town! 🎬
We’ve already been blessed with “Something Beautiful,” “Prelude,” and “End of the World.” Because, you know, subtlety is for losers. The album boasts 13 new tracks, all accompanied by “one of a kind pop opera” visuals. One of a kind? Or just one of many attempts to stay relevant? 🤔
After unleashing the title track, Miley declared it “another bold artistic evolution” in her career. Oh, please. It’s a break-up album. We’ve all been there. It’s not exactly reinventing the wheel. 🚗
The Instagram statement claims “Something Beautiful” explores her “deep connection to fashion” with a custom Mugler design. So, heartbreak + fashion = art? Groundbreaking. 🙄
This “bold artistic evolution,” co-executive produced with Shawn Everett, is the follow-up to 2023’s *Endless Summer Vacation*. Because apparently, she needs endless vacations to recover from all these relationships. 🏝️
Miley, in her infinite wisdom, compared the album to Pink Floyd’s *The Wall*, calling it a “healing” record. “My idea was making *The Wall*, but with a better wardrobe and more glamorous and filled with pop culture.” Because that’s *exactly* what *The Wall* was missing: more glitter and celebrity cameos. 🤦♀️
She also wants to be a “human psychedelic” for people. “I don’t want anyone trying to be like me or imitate me or even be inspired by me. I want to impact frequencies in your body that make you vibrate at a different level.” Translation: “Buy my album and maybe you’ll feel something.” 🤷♀️ Good luck with that, Miley. Maybe stick to twerking. 💃
Chuck B. Ballsy, affectionately known in the satirical world as “The Sultan of Snark,” is a self-proclaimed sports expert who peaked athletically in middle school dodgeball.
Born in Halfcourt, Indiana, Chuck spent his formative years shouting unsolicited advice at professional athletes on TV, firmly believing that his couchside coaching was the key to their success.
Chuck B. Ballsy: because in the game of sports and sarcasm, he’s always the MVP. 🏀🎤
